Grief has remained consistent in my life over the last few years. In 2021, my husband and I miscarried our first baby, Haven; in 2022, we miscarried our second baby, Evie.
In the time since, I’ve been figuring out how to look at grief as a Christian.
Six years ago, I had just arrived in a new city as a missionary and immediately set out to find a church to join. A friend introduced me to their church, and I quickly sensed a genuine, brotherly love among the congregation, so I decided to call it my new home church.
I tried sharing about my mental health struggles at one of the first churches I served in. I thought asking for help from a church leader would be a good idea. But the response I got was simply, just pray more, trust God more.
I remember the surprising relief that came with that first cut. It felt stinging and exhilarating and guilt-ridden all at once. Little did I know then that it would be the first of many to come.
For some years now, being on social media has turned me into a just-keep-it-to-myself kind of Christian. I’ve been avoiding talking about things like Christ-centred identity and Biblical marriage because I don’t want risk being labelled.
I soon came to realise that as much as my husband appreciated my efforts, he wasn’t a fan of reading or collecting figurines. Instead, he felt more loved whenever I spent time with him. Since then, we’ve made more effort to show love in ways that really meet the other person’s needs.
Since my home church in Mexico sent me out for missions in East Asia almost five years ago, I had been living by a mindset that it’s my responsibility to be productive in whatever ministry God leads me to.
However, in the past year, I haven’t felt as busy or “productive” the way I have in other locations I’ve lived in.
The extra downtime has prompted me to reflect on the years I’ve spent on this side of the world, which made me realise that I’ve been feeling weary for quite some time.
There are going to be so many times that you doubt yourself, your abilities, and your calling. You are going to question if you really are useful, and if you truly should have left home in the first place. As excited as you are to make Jesus known in Asia, you’ll end up letting fear take over many times.
I don’t know the exact timing, but some five years ago I began my long, draining battle with depression and anxiety disorders.
The seasons since have fluctuated in ferocity and been riddled with counselor meetings, psychiatric appointments, medications, and even suicidal urges.