What Made Me Decide to Delete My Dating Apps

Written by Shella Wee, Singapore

For years, I had hoped to meet my future husband organically in my church. But over time, I noticed that most of the people I came across were women and a few men who were already attached, while the unmarried men I encountered were either much younger or uninterested in relationships.

When dating apps and singles events became popular even in churches, I started to consider them. I had heard several success stories of Christians meeting their significant other through these means. But because I’m rather introverted, the idea of putting myself out there that way was daunting.

I prayed about it. I also asked my church mentor and family for advice, and they were supportive. One time, without knowing what I’d been praying about, someone in church prayed for me and shared Proverbs 3:5-6. She said that she believed God was assuring me to take a step of faith.

Today, after 1 1⁄2 years of being on dating apps and going on dating events, I have decided that these are not for me. Having to open up to strangers and repeatedly engage in small talk (to figure out if we had chemistry, shared interests, faith and values, etc.), only for things to not work out, has been draining and disappointing.

But more than that, there were two things in particular that led me to this decision:

Dating apps have made it more instinctive to “judge” rather than “show grace”

Since we don’t have any background knowledge of people on dating apps or at the events, when we spot a flaw or imperfection in the other person, we tend to be quick to assume it’s a defining part of their personality and get turned off right away.

One time I attended a singles event and was just unusually excited and talkative that day. Some people told me afterwards that they thought that I was an extrovert (which I’m not), and that got me thinking about how I may have gotten inaccurate impressions of the people I interacted with, and may have “dismissed” some of them too soon as incompatible.

It also doesn’t help that these dating apps and events allow us to “know” many people at the same time, which makes us think that there may be someone better out there, so it’s better to not waste time and effort on someone who seems to have some personality quirk or tendency we don’t like.

The Bible encourages us to relate to people with love and kindness (e.g., Colossians 3:12), which involves looking beyond people’s surface-level attributes and showing grace. Yet I’ve found it more difficult to do so in these dating avenues where making snap judgments based on appearances or limited information is normalised (even encouraged).

I also can’t dismiss the fact that there are people with red flags, and I’ve had my fair share of bad encounters that have unfortunately confirmed for me that dating apps and events seem generally not conducive to the kind of behaviour and environment that would be spiritually beneficial for me.

Being on dating apps and events has become unhealthy for my well-being

I’ve always told people close to me that I signed up for dating apps and events so that my 80-year-old self will not have regrets. In a way, I thought doing this would help me live life to the fullest, but over time it began to feel like the opposite.

I ended up on this unhealthy roller coaster ride that would start with the rush of having someone like my profile or pick my name after a mixer, only to inevitably lead to the crash of disappointment when things don’t work out—whether it’s the guy turning unresponsive or me putting an end to a conversation that was going nowhere.

Even though there were times I was the one who decided to end things, it was hard to not wonder if I was the problem. “Maybe I’m just too picky or too difficult to love”, “Maybe I’m just not someone that others will find ‘compatible’”, or “My life just sucks, I’ll never get what I want”.

While I did take breaks from time to time, I often felt uneasy about being away for too long, wondering what I might have missed out on. “Maybe this next event has some decent guys I can meet? I should go, what if I might miss my chance?”

In response to my self-doubt, the Bible reminds me that we are uniquely and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:13-14). And to my FOMO, the Bible says to not be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6-7) but to keep my hope anchored on God (Hebrews 6:19). Even as I reflect on these truths, it’s hard to hold onto them when I’m repeatedly exposed to this crushing cycle of dating.

After struggling for some time, I eventually came to the conclusion that my 80-year-old self would probably be angry and sad that I’m living this way. I imagine that my older self would want to look back and remember a life that was focused on enjoying what God has given and blessing others, rather than a life that was mostly spent chasing after a spouse.

At the end of the day, it was through prayers and a considerable amount of discussion with people close to me that made me decide to withdraw from these dating options. I felt that God has assured me that I’ve done enough trying by giving me peace about this decision.

I find the principle behind this verse helpful: “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive.” (1 Corinthians 10:23).

I realised that these dating avenues aren’t the best fit for my personality. With dating apps and events, it’s important to be able to immediately showcase your best side, which I find quite hard to do, since I take a long time to warm up and people only get to really see who I am after they’ve spent more time with me.

I’m not saying dating apps or dating events are bad. I believe that God can use these avenues to bring people together. I don’t regret having tried them out. Doing so has taught me much about who I am and what I’m looking for in a spouse and even in my life. I also got to know people from different walks of life and make new friends in the process.

Yet ever since I decided to give up on dating apps and events, I felt like I’ve regained confidence and peace. I’ve also become closer to God during this period and more able to focus on other aspects of my life, such as acquiring new skills, spending more of my energy and effort to be present for my family and friends.

While I still do want to be married, I’ve come to the point where if it ever happens, thank God; and if not, I will still thank God. I know He makes everything work out for our good (Romans 8:28).

I’m sure there will be days when I will feel lonely and ask God when my turn is, especially if I see friends getting married. But I know that I want to continue to trust wholeheartedly in Him even if I don’t understand. As long as I acknowledge His presence in everything I do, He will align my heart and desires with His (Proverbs 3:5-6).