God, You're Not Enough for Me

Written by Chong Mei-Fern, Malaysia

For a time in my life, I knew very clearly that God was not good enough for me. In fact, I told God I’d much prefer a husband than Him. To me, companionship was only possible through a tangible relationship with a person.

A part of me just cringes even as I write this, but it’s the truth. Thankfully, God does not despise raw honesty. It’s not pretty, but it’s real, and God honours what is real.

As a single person, I felt like my heart was constantly being turned upside down. Watching friends get married one by one was extremely painful. As much as I desired to celebrate with them, their milestones were a constant reminder of my yet unfulfilled longing. My heart was wearing out from constantly celebrating someone else’s dream while growing more despairing over my own.

Over this season of prolonged waiting, disappointment began to take deep roots. The journey of hoping for marriage felt like a painful cycle of trying, failing, railing at God, begging and pleading with Him, and hoping and waiting some more with no change in sight.

The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12), and I was walking through singleness with my heart sick to the core with disappointment. I despised the fact that I was single, and I truly believed that God had forsaken me.

Looking into my disappointments

What I was not aware of, however, was that beneath the disappointment, my heart also harboured unhealed wounds that had me seeking affirmation in relationships. Unconsciously, I was hoping for someone to pursue me so that I could feel validated, valued, and loved. This, at one point, led to a very unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn’t right for me.

The turning point in this journey came when, one day, after that relationship had ended, I approached God with a prayer that sounded like this:

I know people say You are enough, and You should be enough for us, but You are not enough for me. In fact, I feel like I will never be complete until I have a husband. God, You are not good enough for me. You don’t fill me the way others say You should.

But . . . I want to believe that what the Bible says is true, and I want to know You as my everything, my all in all. Will You change my heart to see and to know You as enough and better than a husband? Lord, I am willing to let You change me.

What moved me to pray this was a desperation to have God be more real to me than anything else. And in praying that prayer, I discovered that He already knew what I really thought of Him. He knows all of our hearts, including the thoughts that we can’t imagine saying out loud. In hindsight, I think God was just waiting for me to come to that realisation myself and admit it to Him.

As I unloaded my disappointment on God, the other thing I realised I needed to do was to spend time allowing myself to grieve and be nurtured.

Often, disappointment is tangled up with grief. Hopes that never came to pass, dreams that never came true, prayers not answered. These are things that can feel like deep losses, which require grieving. In my case, I had hoped to be married by my late 20s, and when that did not come to pass, I had to grieve the death of that dream and the life that would’ve come with it.

Embarking on the journey to healing

If we never grieve our losses, we can never truly move past them. Grief takes time, and navigating grief will look different from one person to another.

In navigating my own grief, I was very blessed to have a few trusted girlfriends who were also processing their own seasons of singleness. Within that space, I felt safe enough to be really honest with what I was struggling with, and I found that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. We would often gather to chat and pray together. We studied the Bible together, and shared sermons with each other.

Another huge milestone for me was seeking out therapy. I came to this decision when I began to recognise that my need for validation and affirmation came from much deeper roots and was a symptom of a deeper hurt and trauma that my younger self had experienced. God, in His providence, connected me with a Christian therapist who was skilled in counselling and sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

The journey to healing and wholeness was long and intentional. But what I realised was that when I finally confessed the true state of my heart, along with the desire for repentance and for Him to change me, it created space for God to begin the work of transformation in my heart. And transform me He did.

Some time after praying that prayer, I remember one day waking up, brushing my teeth, getting ready for work and feeling like I was walking around wrapped in a cloud of cotton candy. His presence was so tangible and so, so sweet, I felt I could almost taste it. I drove to work and felt the permeating cotton candy cloud just continuing to wrap around me.

The feeling followed me for days afterwards. I felt like I was in a hazy, dizzy cloud of His love. Then I remember saying something I never ever thought I would say:

God, if this is how good You really are, can You let me remain single a little longer? I want more of this.

I could hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth, but in those moments, I had encountered Him for who He said He is—He is enough. Rather, He is more than enough. He is overflowing!

That encounter was so significant, it has marked me since then. After that day, something in me completely changed, and I experienced a side of God that I had never known before. The sweet presence of a Lover. So sweet and so full. So beyond what I could ask or hope for.

The best part was, I knew this was only a shadow of the love I will have when I’m living in His presence in eternity.

Embracing the richness of this season

For some of us, it may be that our season of singleness is meant to bring to the fore a desire that only God can fill. There is not another man, woman, or soul that can fill us the way He can. If today, you are staring at that longing in the face, can I encourage you to channel it to God?

It’s okay if you feel He doesn’t quite make the cut, or that He isn’t enough for you just yet. He isn’t ashamed or angry at you for thinking that way. The greatness of our God is that He is pleased to prove Himself true, time and time again. If you truly desire to experience His love in such an all-encompassing way, He will come through for you. He may not show up for you in the exact same way He did for me, but He will show up in a way that will really minister to you.

As I have healed and gone on to discover the treasures God has hidden for me in my time of singleness, I have come to see that He has meant every day and every moment for good and for His glory. What has become so precious to me is the ability to spend so much time with Him, thus allowing Him to reveal to me how He is preparing me for a life of purpose.

Spending time with God has allowed me to gain a better understanding of myself, and the way He has created me, through questions like, “Why do I like writing, why am I drawn to artistic pursuits, why does my heart resonate with women?”. It has led me to see how He’s using my gifts and talents for Him, as well as the people and the ministry He is calling me to.

As I’ve gained perspective about singleness, I have come to see how rich this season is, how much it is building me, and how if I were to ever be married, I would be so grateful I had all this time with Jesus as my sole focus.

I am convinced that no matter what He has ordained for the rest of my life, whether single or married, He is more than able to fill me and make me fulfilled, to multiply with joy and delight.

I pray that you find the same to be true in your own life as well. Tell Him what you really feel. Invite Him in. Give Him permission to shape you, and you will see Him change your heart, filling it in ways you never thought possible.

Questions for reflection:

In what ways have you been disappointed? How has disappointment affected your perspective—the way you see things, the way you see God?

What are some longings that you think only a spouse can fulfil? (e.g., struggle with loneliness, having someone to encourage you or do ministry with, desiring connection & intimacy) Bring these longings to God and ask Him to fill these areas of your life with (1) His presence, and (2) the right people in the community.

What activities do you find life-giving? Can you dedicate regular time for these things in your life?

Let’s pray

Lord, thank You that You promise to be everything we need. You are more than enough. Today, we come to You honestly, with every longing and desire that is yet to be fulfilled. As we surrender these longings and desires to You, would You fill us with Your presence? Show us how You truly are the treasure of our hearts.

We give You permission today to shape our hearts according to Your will. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.

This article was originally published on the writer’s blog here and here. This version has been edited by YMI.