My Heart-breaking Relationship with A Non-Christian

Written By Duo-Jia, China, originally in Simplified Chinese

On the last day of 2016, I stopped replying to his emails. Our relationship was over.

It all started in August 2015, when my family members introduced me to Alex*. At the time, I was already above the age of 25, so my non-Christian parents were anxious to see me married—but not to a Christian. Although I was initially wary about dating Alex because he wasn’t a Christian, I decided to meet him because of my family’s relentless persuasion.

At our first meet-up, I told Alex that I was a Christian and was looking for a Christian partner.

After hearing what I said, Alex—who knew nothing about Christianity—felt it would be a waste of time to meet me. But his family urged him to give it a go. So, under pressure from both sides, we began to meet up occasionally. That’s when an idea grew in my mind that I would tell him about my faith and hopefully convert him someday.

As I got to know Alex a little better, I began to realize that he was a very caring, attentive person. Once, when I had acute gastritis, he took me to a doctor and then kept reminding me to take my medicine afterwards. Another time, he told me—after attending a Christmas gathering I had invited him to—that he felt sorry for the past occasions when he would either turn me down or express disinterest whenever he attended my church.

Moved by his care and consideration, I opened up to him and we began dating. I knew that 2 Corinthians 6:14 clearly tells us not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever—but I would only truly understand it later, after many arguments and tears.

In our first two months together, Alex and I got along really well. But whenever I brought up the topic of being “unequally yoked” and the need for him to convert, he would look extremely hurt and ask me not to talk about it again. There were moments when I wondered if we could just get married even if he didn’t become a Christian, but the Holy Spirit kept reminding me that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers. I told myself that if we were ever to get married, Alex had to become a Christian first. So I prayed for him every day and even fasted over him periodically.

 

 Growing differences

In April 2016, Alex’s aunt came over to talk to my family about marriage. At the same time, a few sisters-in-Christ expressed their concern about Alex’s lack of interest in Christianity despite coming to church often. Anxious at this turn of events, I talked to Alex and urged him to become a Christian. The next day, we met a church elder for a four-hour long conversation. However, Alex wouldn’t budge, and we ended up arguing after the meeting. At that point, I felt that the situation was hopeless and believed that our relationship was over.

Although Alex did not want to break up, he wasn’t willing to convert to Christianity either. It was his family who urged him to make up so that we would stay together. He agreed, but said that if he was still unconvinced after learning more about Christianity, he would try to convince me to leave the faith as well.

At the same time, I held out hope that Alex would change his mind. Surely if he kept coming to church to hear about God, I thought, God would work in his heart. But after another two months, Alex still did not change. As time wore on, my patience grew thin, and we began to argue more often.

 

The first separation

As we spent more and more time together, we clashed more often over what we would do on Sundays and going to church, and argued more frequently. Finally, Alex refused to attend church with me anymore. After trying but failing to reach an agreement with him, I suggested breaking up. Alex agreed.

I remember crying almost daily from the heart-breaking pain of losing a relationship as well as the sting of his accusations. After we broke up, a brother-in-Christ suggested that I had been wrong in dating Alex from the very beginning. But I did not take this seriously.

Sometime later, after I had just returned from a business trip, Alex asked me if we could get back together again. Initially, I refused. But on seeing his tears, I agreed.

Unfortunately, we began going through the same cycle. Again, I tried to convince him to become a Christian, only to find him becoming more distant. And again, he eventually stopped attending church. This time, however, he even demanded that I stop believing in God as well. This was the breaking point.

It was then that I finally understood what the psalmist meant when he wrote Psalm 127:1, “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.” I realized that unless Alex was prepared to let the Builder work on him, neither I nor my prayers would soften his heart. Finally, I chose to submit to God and let go of the relationship that I had treasured so much.

Just as I did when we broke up the first time, I cried a lot. I felt great regret whenever I thought about the many things I had loved about Alex, but also sadness whenever I remembered how he had resisted the faith. It was only when a brother-in-Christ recommended that I watch a video on marriage counselling, did I realize that I had fallen into the trap of human thinking.

God had intended marriage to show us a glimpse of the goodness of heaven. Husband and wife were meant to become one in flesh, heart, soul, and purpose. However, because Alex didn’t know God, our purpose in life and values regarding marriage were so different. The wisdom of 2 Corinthians 6:14 spoke out to me again: “For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

If I were to reflect honestly on what happened in 2016, I would have to admit that I had compromised on my time with God. Because of my relationship with Alex, I grew increasingly distant from God and lost my inner peace during that period. Since breaking up with him, however, the Spirit has been graciously granting me a renewed sense of peace and affirmation. God has helped me to learn that He works even in the worst situations. Through this relationship, I have learned to seek God’s will and to submit to His Word.

God also showed me that I should not have used the excuse of evangelism to get into a relationship with a non-believer. I learned that I hadn’t really trusted Him regarding marriage, and had fixated on the fact that I could see no other suitable partners. But couldn’t God—the God of the entire universe—bring me one person? Is anything too hard for God? I had to learn this difficult lesson of trust. Psalm 37:7 served as a good reminder for me to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.”

Subsequently, I made a promise to God to seek His will instead of finding my own ways to satisfy my emotional or physical needs. I prayed for His help to keep me holy and to wait for His perfect timing.

You may be facing an experience similar to mine, or just a prolonged period of singlehood with no suitable partner in sight. But I hope to encourage you: Turn your eyes to God and entrust Him with your hopes and needs.

 

*not his real name

58 replies
  1. Evo
    Evo says:

    It actually hurts to read this. It almost sounds like satire but isn’t.

    I’m so glad I’m not religious and don’t need to let something pitiful like this come in between a wonderful relationship and make me look down on and belittle other people. How can someone be so entitled to their own opinion and desperately try to change someone else to suit their needs (to believe in a fairytale) ?

    Reply
    • Tim
      Tim says:

      You don’t get it. Hope you do some day. If I’m right, and it’s not a fairytale… you’re toast. If you’re right, then I lived a good life and nothing matters. Trust me or not, I’m not right. But I follow who is.

    • Lila
      Lila says:

      Agreed, Evo, I am a Christian and the most important thing Jesus in the Bible tells us is to LOVE your neighbor as yourself and to have FAITH. This kind of suffering is perpetuated by man-made religion, not a true relationship with God, who commands us to love one another, regardless of their faith or beliefs. Instead of seeing her boyfriend as the loving man he is, seeing him as precious and always redeemable in God’s sight, an opportunity to show God’s unrelenting and unconditional, always pursuing Love, she retreated to her group identity of a ‘Christian’ and biblical verses that caused her to view him as unwanted goods and to impose her own beliefs on him, instead of just truly LOVING someone regardless! Even if they did had to breakup, it would not have had been this painful!

  2. Maria Earhart
    Maria Earhart says:

    Good words of Godly wisdom for those out there in the dating world. I too, had relationships with unbelievers which at the end of the day left me with a lot of heartbreak and anguish. I knew that I wasn’t doing a good job of picking potential mates myself so I asked God to pick him for me. Without me knowing because I was busy serving in church, God had placed my future husband before me! With time and prayer I had realized that this was the man for me and he was perfect! It’s amazing how God can bless us when we seek Him first!

    Reply
  3. KEREN AMINADAB PECH MORENO
    KEREN AMINADAB PECH MORENO says:

    Hello Duo-Jia, I hope you could read and understand my comment.
    Two years ago I was in a weird relationship, yes, with a non-Christian; I say weird because he was not my boyfriend, but it seemed. However, after two years I’ve been wasting my time thinking and wishing about a new romance for me, I mean, my real romance and love story you know. But today I feel glad of you had the courage to write about your experience, beacuse you reminded me that the only thing that I have to do is wait in the Lord and look for His will (thanks for that).
    God bless you and bring us the force to go ahead always with our eyes in His face

    Reply
    • Shiree craig
      Shiree craig says:

      I believe this woman’s heart was so invested in the well-being of this man’s heart and soul, she fell in love with him but because there belief systems weren’t equally matched, she finally had to move on. I am a Christian and I my husband became an ice addict and eventually wanted a divorce. And now I am praying daily, ” Lord I need you to show me the way and help me not to be tangled up in the wrong relationships out of being vulnerable, insecure, or desperate to be validated the way I was when first married, help me to be strong enough to know where my boundaries are and to be able to stand firm against the evil wiles of the devil.

  4. EJ
    EJ says:

    Hello, Ms. Duo-Jia! Thanks for your open heart to share your life with us. It would be a great testimony for us–youth– to hear it from you.

    That verse, 2 Cor. 6:14 (6:14 rule) is also His message to me once I was asked by someone to hang out with. God really knows the heart of His princess. So let us trust Him and His Word!
     
    “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:” (Ecc. 3:1).

    God bless your heart more, Ms. Duo-Jia! 🙂

    Reply
    • Emma
      Emma says:

      Indeed! Atheism is a very strong religion! When a person worships themselves it is hard from them ever to break out of that cult like thinking.
      Sounds as though the boyfriend was jealous of God!
      He no doubt is now looking for a woman to worship him rather than God.

  5. Elizabeth
    Elizabeth says:

    I am going through a currently similar situation. Almost hit the 48 hour mark of our mutual breakup over our faiths not aligning. I feel like I’m being ripped apart, and I know he feels the same.

    Reply
    • Angel
      Angel says:

      Yes is this heart wrenching pain that feels like it’s in your stomach and you just can’t stop crying, I’m in a similar situation, I’m mourning the end of the relationship but I’m now more concerned with his soul and that fact that he told me today that he can’t convert, and used the excuse that he needs to remain neutral at work (works in a prison) and I guess giving your life to Jesus would complicate that. This just sucks but I guess it has to happen.

  6. Mary
    Mary says:

    Today sept 4th 2017 … I ended at seven month relationship with a wonderful man .. we are both in their late 50s .. during those seven months I would bring up my relationship with the Lord and how important my walk is with him .. he is not a Christian .. he referred my beliefs as a religion .. he didn’t understand it is about my relationship with Christ and it was not a religion .. during those seven months he attended church with me three times .. The results were negative on his part .. I love him deeply but I’m not willing to waive my relationship with Christ .. I couldn’t talk about God I couldn’t listen to Christian music and I couldn’t explain to him how Gods strength sustained me through my sons death .. he too had a son whom died tragically … but I wasn’t willing to put another seven months or moreinto the relationship hoping he would asked Christ in his life .. I am heartbroken and I am loaded … although I know time will heal my wounds .. The last thing I said to him was in a text –which was the following;

    “I’ve cried and cried and cried and I prayed and cried some more–and I know in my heart of hearts we are doing the right thing.. as hard as it is (probably for me more than you ) maybe someday I can be friends with you.. but I know I can’t right now because I am still flesh and human — and I need to heal.. as sad as I feel I also have a peace without any understanding –someday you will give your heart to the Lord… it may be tomorrow, next week, or a year or two.. or maybe on your dying bed… but you will.. as far as me I’m just not willing to take the risk of how long it will take… and it would always cause a division between us..and I would always be holding back .. I don’t continuously talk about God but he is in my thoughts all the time.. he brought me out of the pit when my son died.. and I am confident when I die I will go to Heaven .. good bad or in different God loves you and Me..

    I am truly heartbroken because I love you so ..

    Reply
    • Julie
      Julie says:

      That was lovely to read plus the text. Thank you for that as I just ended a 5 month relationship with a non-believer. It’s devastating to the heart but in the long run, I know it’s the right thing to do in God’s eyes. I feel at peace even though I’m hurting.

    • Paul
      Paul says:

      Ended a relationship with a non christian woman at work 6 months ago and it still hurts. Her beauty and attention quickly captured my heart. She was the first I dated after my wife leaving for another man three years earlier.I knew she wasn’t God’s will for me the whole time but it was difficult to leave her. Probably the most difficult and painful decision I’ve ever had to make. I have to hang on to the promise that God has good plans for me. He loves us and wants a good father’s best for us. He walks with us though our valleys of sadness and loneliness. He is ever faithful and ever good. Hang on to him, he has always been faithful to me and provided for my needs. I believe he will meet the needs of my heart in whatever way he knows is best for me…and for you.

  7. Anneliese
    Anneliese says:

    Thank you so much for posting this! It must have taken some courage to speak out. We need more people like you. Bravo and God bless!

    Reply
  8. Chiara
    Chiara says:

    Hi, your article was very inspiring. I am in a similar situation except that my boyfriend is a Christian but not a strong one. He still smokes and pressures me to have sex with him. I do not have the strength to break up with him and it makes me worry all the time, cause I don’t want to waste my time. He has a lot of redeeming qualities however, but every time we try to break up we find ourselves back together. I am so confused and I’m crying even as I type this. What should I do?

    Reply
    • YMI
      YMI says:

      Hi Chiara, thanks for reaching out and sharing those struggles. Everyone’s experience is unique and we may not be in the best position to advice you on what to do. But what we definitely suggest is that you find a mature Christian or pastor or mentor whom you can confide in and share with him or her what you’re facing. We will be praying for you on our end!

    • Alexa
      Alexa says:

      Hi Chiara, we are on the same situation. But I think your issue is more of the person’s attitude than His faith. My advise to you is:

      Strengthen your faith. But for you to be able to do this, you need to lessen your time with your boyfriend, and start spending more time with God. So you can hear God clearly. Read Proverbs everyday. Let say 5 chapters a day. Because in Psalms you will know God more intimately. Pray 2 or 3 times a day. But do not push God to do your will. Instead do God’s will.
      Do this everyday and you will have an answer in no time. It is a form of fasting. Remove all things that you rely on. Like your boyfriend’s presence, his messages, his calls. Remove all the things that feeds your flesh. So you can hear your Spirit. You can hear the Holy Spirit speaking to you. And in no time, you will know what to do.

    • Sara
      Sara says:

      I realize this is really after the fact, but if ANYONE is ever pressuring you to have sex, for any reason, you should break up with them. I say this as someone who is sexually active with my boyfriend. They do not value your consent and bodily autonomy, and that is a major red flag in any relationship. He’s not doing this because he’s not a strong Christian. He’s doing it because he’s a selfish jerk. My boyfriend isn’t a Christian; pressuring me to have sex would NEVER cross his mind.

      I used to hear this a LOT in the church. Girls were being pressured by boys to have sex, and they were told they just needed to “stay strong”. No. They needed to stay AWAY from boys who didn’t value their “no”, and those boys needed to be told in no uncertain terms that pressuring anyone for sex is very, very wrong. It disturbs me how weak on sexual consent the church is; it would frankly allow a lot more young women who want to remain celibate to do so if young men were taught that a woman’s “no” means “no”, not “ask me again until I say yes” the very first time.

  9. Ava
    Ava says:

    In a similar situation. My boyfriend is Christian, I am not but I told him I’m willing to convert. I’m not so sure of the decision, but I was never sure about my spiritual/religious beliefs in the first place. I did practice pagan traditions and rituals, that I had not researched enough so I easily let them go. I told him I’d attend church with him but he doesn’t actually attend himself. I feel if he led me into it with love and actually made me feel we were doing something positive it would be easy but instead it feels more like “well what you practice is wrong, do this, or else” and I don’t like that there’s an ultimatum or feeling forced.

    Reply
    • Mika
      Mika says:

      My partner left me yesterday, although I knew he would, after I told him that I couldn’t make myself believe what he does so I totally understand what you’re going through.

      In the end I tried so hard for years to try to believe and open up to it but I just couldn’t, it felt like a really hostile environment of judgement and hardlining, and even though I have all the love in the world for him and his family, I couldn’t do it and I decided I needed to be honest with him, thought maybe we could talk it out or something couldn’t change.

      My one piece of advice for you is to remind yourself that if this isn’t working for you then it’s going to end. You can’t change him, he can’t change you, and this is something he can not move on. Try to be as honest as possible but don’t get your hopes up, because for him this is an eternity, it’s got higher stakes than any agnostic or any person who is being introduced to faith, can possibly understand. It’s painful, agonising to see it end, but if he feels this way then it will.

  10. Lola
    Lola says:

    Honestly I think that trying to persuade him to become a Christian is not a good move. The more you pressure the more they resist. Someone can’t just become a Christian because of you, it has to be because God has moved their hearts and it is their own decision. My boyfriend says technically he’s a Christian because his family is but he doesn’t go to church and isn’t “religious”. While it is difficult for me. I pray for him that God will touch his heart at the right time. I don’t ever pressure him about being a Christian or being up God much. I know that would just push him away. He knows I go to church and is okay with that .. he doesn’t try to change my mind. I have to accept that that is not where he is at in his life journey. However I believe when the time is right God can turn it all around. I guess I’m a bit confused. I love him so much and don’t want to let him go. I know God can use everything for good. If he got curious and asked me questions about my beliefs or said he would like to come to church with me I would be more than happy to talk to him. But never ever pressure because that only backfires. He already had enough pressure from his family. I just want him to understand that he is loved unconditionally just as he is. Only God can work a miracle in this situation.

    Reply
  11. Lj
    Lj says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. I had a similar experience with my ex-boyfriend. I fell in love with him for he was the only guy who could make me feel that i was loved and cared. He was very sweet and I knew that something between me and him was real. We would talk about marriage and the only thing that was wrong about that was I slept with him. Although we never had sex, but we were a bit intimate with each other which prolonged our relationship. I introduced him to my parents, but they didn’t like the fact he was unsaved (I knew that but I didn’t want to hide anything). I invited him to church and he got saved. He was baptized and converted into Christianity but my Dad was still not comfortable about it. Because my Dad loved me, he decided to reach out to him by inviting to have a bible study with him. According to my Dad, even if he was saved, he’s supposed to be spiritually mature if I wanted to marry him. My Dad noticed that he seemed to avoid him when it comes to bible studying. My Dad told me everything he noticed with his character, and I have prayed about it. Our relationship lasted for almost 5 years, but even if he was saved, God was talking to me through my authority.
    It took me a while to follow what my parents said. I prayed so hard because if I would lose him then I would also lose my best friend, too. But guess what I did? I broke up with him. He could not understand my reasons which led me to realize more that he’s not the right one. The Lord told me to start praying for a man:
    1. Who is always hungry to know God more.
    2. Who loves God more than you.
    3. Who is more spiritually mature than you.
    4. Who would challenge you to become better with your relationship with God.
    5. Who is a man of prayer.
    6. Who seeks after God’s wisdom to lead your future family physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually.

    God took something from me because I was too focused and dependent on my bf that I forgot about Him. I have begun to build my hopes and dreams around this relationship, instead of around Him. I have begun to find my happiness and security in a man, instead of God. Now, I am in the process of moving on. It was hard for me to let go about everything and I admit that part of me still wants him to be with me. If only I didn’t start dating him in the beginning then everything we had and we did would not haunt me now. I am afraid that no one would love me like how he did. I am afraid to see him dating someone new. I still do love him, but I guess I have to let him go because I love God more than him.

    Reply
    • Bri
      Bri says:

      Your story and words are like direct descriptions of my situation. It all happened today, it killed me to hurt him and I have cried so much today that now I can’t sleep nor work up tears to cry anymore. I haven’t eaten and I feel dead. Everyone says I’m doing the right thing but it’s so hard to feel right when you’re feeling so much pain.

    • Jane
      Jane says:

      I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years today. It is the most painful thing because I love him so much. He was saved but definitely not on his works. The last straw was when I asked him to be abstinent until marriage. He said, I’ve changed a lot since I started going to church. He said I am not motivated anymore. He said we already have sex, so what’s the point of being abstinent? I just couldn’t bear it anymore. He is the most loving, kind, person I know. He would give me everything but one thing (or maybe two). I am so hurt but I know God will lead me to the right one. I’m worried that since I’m not a virgin, it may shy some Christian men away. I know there is a Godly man out there who will accept me and not judge my past. For now, I pray that my heart and my ex’s heart heal. I pray that one day he will realize God’s love for him and find true peace within.

  12. SL
    SL says:

    I thank God that you were able to share this. I just got out of a similar situation. He was curious about church and started coming with me until he was baptised. I was so thankful and happy that he became a child of God. However, his parents did not like the fact that he was attending church. In the end he decided that he could not disobey his parents and went back to his previous religion. We ended on mutual terms and we both understood why we needed to part ways. Yes God is gracious and he used this situation to help me to understand that nothing is more important than my relationship with him. Psalm 127:1-2 was very real to me too. I had no peace during the last few months of the relationship because I was not sure where his faith was and I didn’t want to keep asking him and pressuring him about it. Ever since the break up, there is a great peace from God among the sadness from losing a close companion. Praising God for his grace and mercy during the good and bad times.

    Reply
  13. Alexa
    Alexa says:

    I am on the same situation, but as a Christian, we can never command God to work on our own will. It is always God’s will and glory, not ours. It is our responsibility to be obedient not the other way around. We will struggle if we became equally yoked with unbelievers, that is why God wanted us to find a partner in the same faith. It is for our own good. But as humans we always fail to obey Him.

    Let us not blame God or the faith in this kind of situation. It is our fault we choose an unbeliever, it is our fault we let our hearts fell for them, it is even our fault that we push our faith to them.

    This story is a lesson for the Christian rather than the unbeliever. May we always obey God for His glory and also for our own good.

    Reply
  14. Rosette
    Rosette says:

    I went through the same exact struggle. I knew from the very beginning he was not a christian and he asked me to never try to change me so i never did. But what made me date him. Was exactly what i asked from God, a man with character and completed me he answered 99% leaving out the most important part. God fearing . In me i thought since he leaved his life like a christian, God wants us to work out. in that one day he will come to Christ thru my actions and prayer. I thot this was Gods plan. That was the happiest relationship i was ever in.

    But i searched why he didn’t believe in God. Sadly i started doubting God. Questioning his exsistance. It left me empty with no peace that’s when i knew i was the one changing and i needed to breakup. Wasn’t easy a lot of tears and love for 2years now from breaking up we still miss each other.

    I have prayed to God to heal our hearts and asked him why he had to send him to me. Even if he wanted to prove a point that i cant have it all. I think am just angry and feel like he tricked me. And also guilty that i still doubt his exsistance sometimes. I feel like i will never meet someone like him. Am so messed up. Yes i have read the bible and know what it says about this. Am left with so many questions and regrate

    Reply
  15. AnaRamos
    AnaRamos says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend today, due to the same situation I knew we were not meant to be together but I did not care. I lost my virginity with him and the only thing I want today is to have a new life with Jesus Christ because I want to be pure for the one who will be my husband but I do not know if that can be possible. I have been a christian since I was little and now all I want is to follow the purpose God has for me.

    Reply
  16. Warmy
    Warmy says:

    Hi there. Thank you for this wonderful article. I met a guy who likes me and my family, and he is willing to go to church with me. His family likes me too. But since I know that he is not yet a Christian, I asked him to stop courting me and to just be friends, that we may pursue God first individually spiritually. I did this to avoid further pain since I am falling for him, and he’s been giving me lavish gifts and his precious time–I don’t want to be unfair with him. Since I asked him to stop courting him, he also stopped going to church… I felt bad, but that’s reality. Although we still communicate from time to time, I am praying that if he is really God’s will for me, he would first pursue God… There were several times that I want to give in to my emotions because this guy is really really nice, and so is his family, but I really want to honor God in my relationship, and I pray that I may do so.. no matter what. I will be 30 this year too, and never had a boyfriend…the pressure is on… but I pray that God will keep me… He is worth it all. I pray for a future husband with the same values as I have as a Christian. Proverbs 3:5-6

    Reply
  17. Su
    Su says:

    I am going through what feels like the most difficult situation in my life, because I don’t feel like anyone truly understands me as a person. I thought that being with the person I love, despite him not being a believer, would give me strength because he loves me a lot. But I was wrong, maybe it was not a coincidence that I met him, and maybe it was God’s plan to put him in my life and make me realise a lot of things. Whatever it is, I decided to end things with him, although I have not yet spoken to him properly about why I made the decision. I want to put God first and if it is meant to be, I am sure God will bring him back in my life later in life, once he is a believer. If not, I will accept this as a lesson from God and still thank him for everything.

    Reply
  18. Cassy
    Cassy says:

    I have a similar experience. My fiance and I broke up (a 6 years relationship) , due to outside pressure while i was still a non Christian. We planned to get back together when opportunity presents itself. Sometime years later I became a Christian and for a time, i believed that I should continue waiting for the opportunity because there was a prior understanding before I accepted to Jesus. I thought i was in the category where the Christian spouse should remain with the unbeliever if they are still pleased to be with you.

    We weren’t living within daily commuting distance to each other, so we lived our own separate lives. I didn’t try to convert my ex, I just shared about things that brought joy into my life. Over time, I could see we were becoming further apart as we became to have less in common with each other. And God was showing me that God words holds up in everyday life – “…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation…” (2cor 5:17). When i grew distant from God, i got along much better with my ex but I would lose my inner peace. When i draw near to God, i got peace back but interaction with my ex would suffer.

    It took a few more years to finally understand and see the proof that God’s words are true – “…what fellowship has light with darkness?”(2cor 6:14).

    We may love each other, but we wouldn’t be able to have a decent life together. When the foundation of any relationship is not strong, it will fail given enough time. This beyond the issue about religious tolerance or trying to change someone.

    The truth is, all born again Christians will discover that they are no longer the same people they once were. We were of the world once and we no longer are when we choose follow Christ. For a person freed by God, to return back into a life of bondage… I found it a very hard thing to come to terms with, and it is made me sad that the unbeliever can’t understand the position we find ourselves in.

    If we Christian would look at the bigger picture, we should be quick to obey God and slow to disobey Him. We’d save ourselves and non believers from a lot of potential heartbreak and time wastage.

    Reply
    • Lorena
      Lorena says:

      Hi cassy I was very curious about what you wrote saying we are not from this world, what do you mean? I’m a new born Christian, I’ve been REALLY following Jesus for only 5 months and I have been reading the Bible and realizing that I just don’t feel part of this world AT ALL anymore… all tho it’s been only 5 months I have notice so many things that have changed in my life that I was not expecting at all… it’s not common to find someone talking about not belonging to the world so I just wanted to know if you also see it the same way I do
      This might be very strange question lol but it really caught my attention.
      I also had to break up with the guy I was going to marry and it’s been breaking me so deep.

    • Kimi L
      Kimi L says:

      «When i grew distant from God, i got along much better with my ex but I would lose my inner peace. When i draw near to God, i got peace back but interaction with my ex would suffer. »

      Wow I can relate to this so much.
      I’m still hurting from our breakup yesterday. But, I want to change for God and love Him more.
      So even If I lost someone I loved, I don’t have to strain my relationship with God anymore.

  19. Tamsin Honey
    Tamsin Honey says:

    Such a fascinating post – I have to admit that although I am religious I am obviously not as devote as to expect my partner to believe what I do, or even be religious. Yes the fact he isn’t religious makes things difficult sometimes – but we love each other and I respect his view. But I also respect those who believe they can only marry into their own faith.

    Reply
  20. Kelly Love
    Kelly Love says:

    I haven’t ever dated someone that wasn’t a Christian, my family are all strong believers do I am only really able to get into a relationship with someone that is a Christian, to be honest!

    This was a really interesting read, thanks x

    Reply
  21. Faveey
    Faveey says:

    Hi everyone,
    This is my first time coming across this page and it’s has been a blessing to me…
    I’m 20 and recently had the courage to introduce my boyfriend to my parents as “my friend”. I did that because I needed their sincere spiritual opinions on him, coupled with the fact that he told his dad about me(his dad is really strict).. but his dad is a Catholic and his mum is part Catholic and Pentecostal and the questions my mum asked him gave her the conclusion that he’s not a mature christian and our relationship would be unequally yoked ( I already knew that before approaching them for their advice) . The problem is that I’m madly in love with him and It’ll hurt me so much to break up and it’ll also hurt him as well….
    Please I need sincere and undiluted advices…

    Reply
    • Mika
      Mika says:

      I’m so very sorry but you need to leave.

      I was the ‘not Christian enough’, and yesterday I told my partner that I couldn’t meet his needs that way, so I can speak from some of the experience but not all. If he’s not at your level he may love you more than he loves life itself but he won’t be able to understand you, won’t be able to put your needs first, won’t be able to truly share with you on an equal footing and it will come to a head. At some point you’ll disagree on something and he just won’t understand where you are coming from.

      It’s hard and it hurts, but no matter how much either of you try, if you need to be equal you’re not going to get that need met.

  22. Julie
    Julie says:

    I, too, broke up with my unbelieving boyfriend of five months today. He cried and cried. He was the best thing that happened to me – the perfect person. I thought he was a gift that God gave me. As God knew what I needed. He was kind, generous, fun and caring. I met him on the heels of a break-up with my second husband who left me. I had known of my boyfriend before we started dating. In the early days, I tried to find out if he was a Christian. He said that he had gone to a Baptist church for a while and was baptized there as an adult. But then due to his work schedule he fell away and hadn’t attended church for sometime. I don’t know why I didn’t ask him out right if he was a Christian or knew Jesus. It would have cleared up a lot. Instead I was kind of hoping he was. Due to observing some his behaviors, I realized he was not. I thought I would be OK, being unequally yoked. But I wasn’t. My first husband was Jewish and I was Catholic at the time of our wedding, but I became a born-again Christian after we got married. There were a ton of disconnects during our nine years of marriage. And I didn’t want to repeat that scenario again. I had asked my boyfriend to church several times over our relationship, he declined. And then I had a frank talk with him about how awesome Jesus was and what it means to be a follower. I asked if he’d like to be a follower and he declined. During those five months, I found myself relying on my will and not God’s for my life. I compromised my values, allowed stress at work to affect me, had weak boundaries, developed a food addiction, and stopped spending time with Jesus. The Holy Spirit had been convicting me for sometime. I knew that something had to change. And that’s when I broke things off. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I truly loved this man. He did not want to break up and said he would change for me and would do anything. Even go to church and become a Christian. I have done that in the past, when I asked my second ex-husband to receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior at the start of our relationship. He did but he really didn’t. He would attend church but it was just on the surface and our marriage was hell, lots of arguing. So to have someone do that for me again, isn’t the same as wanting to do it for himself. It has to be God-led. Once I broke it off with my boyfriend, I have been feeling nothing but peace in my heart. So as difficult as it was to do, it must’ve been the right thing to do. Thank you so much for the article and everyone’s comments. It has helped me today with my situation and learning about others struggles with this.

    Reply
  23. Giovanni
    Giovanni says:

    I was in a relationship with a bi sexual woman for three years trying to bring her to knowing Jesus…I failed , I fell in love with her…she was always asking me to marry her…Satan had me bound through her…God is good I finally broke it off…through the Grace of God

    Reply
  24. Vic
    Vic says:

    I was pretty much in the same situation, Giovanni.

    I kinda knew from the beginning that things aren’t going to work…

    But I was blind, no matter how hard I wanted to, I couldn’t end it – I fell in love.

    Things were great but only for 6 months. After that, everything changed and I knew things were only going to get worse. So I finally had the guts to call it off and never looked back ever since. Now I’m in a healthy relationship and life does look a lot more beautiful.

    Reply
  25. anonymous
    anonymous says:

    It has been good to hear from others that are going through the same thing i am. I am seeing a man that believes in God and the Bible but is not walking it. His family brow beat him with Christianity since he was small and a hard life has made him bitter. I love him and he loves me very much. I have never pressured him to convert or anything because that is between him and God. I do feel it will be difficult to be with an unbeliever. I am at a Crossroads as we discussed the difficulty that it may cause between us. We have decided to work on it for now. I need to focus on God and pray for him. I know all things are possible, and am believing that either he will find his peace with God or I will move on without the relationship to keep myself on track with God. I love him so so much and believe God can work all things for good. That he loves him too and wants him to know him. God has spoken to me this fact. If it doesn’t work out for the future I will be crushed and feel i could never love another the way I love him and will never try. He is the first man in my life that i have loved in spite of all his flaws and short comings and have seen the person that God sees him to be past all the sin that we can all live in. I am not perfect either just under Jesus’s forgiveness. I’m sure I will overcome it with God’s strength. I know there are alot of opinions about this topic. Mine is only an opinion as well. This is how I am feeling right now. It has helped to just share it with you all. May God guide you and help you all through your difficulties and pain and give you peace and blessings.

    Reply
  26. Annonymus
    Annonymus says:

    We’ve been together with my boyfriend for 14 years.we met in 2005 at high school and we’ve been together ever since ,living a non-Christian life and just madly in love even now.i was a non beliver and didnt like church,i was born again in 2016 and ever since i always valued my walk with God.its difficult now because my boyfriend is still a non-Christian and doesn’t want to hear anything about Christianity.He has accepted celibacy and doesnt stop me from persuing christ buy he wants no part of it.He has planned to marry soon,saved up money and told his parents but I’m having doubts.all we had planned for has finally about to come to pass but at the same time i prayed for him to get saved but its not happening and there’s no guarantee that he will be saved.im just in doubt especially with the scriptures warning against marrying a non beliver.its heart breaking because i love him so much.we dated when i was 13 and he was 14,now im 27 and his 28.its hard to break up but i need to take my walk with Lord serious.

    Reply
  27. Kimi L
    Kimi L says:

    I want to cry as I was reading this.
    Just ended a two-year four-month relationship with my boyfriend.

    When we started out in 2017…
    There was that inner feeling that this was a wrong decision.
    But we still started dating.
    I shared him my faith and belief about Jesus.
    I invited him to church.
    Even though he was half-Muslim half-Catholic, he was kind of open to my faith.
    That is until two years later, and lots of breakup-makeup cycle, he said he wanted to stop going to church with me.
    He said he was not ready.
    We had lots of ups and downs.
    And I’m really hurt right now with our breakup.
    I still love him.
    But I know that I have to move-on.
    I’m fairly aware that even though I love him, as long as we’re unyolked, we would never work out together for the purpose of glorifying God.

    He broke up with me because he has to be the financial provider for his family of 8. We’re still both in college. He wanted to stop having a relationship because he cannot juggle his responsibilities and his relationship with me.

    And this is my prayer request, please pray for his soul to be save and his whole family.
    I really love him.
    I’m know that we’re not together anymore but I still want him to get to know Jesus Christ as his Lord, God, and Savior.
    I cannot save his soul. But God can.

    Reply
    • Kimi L
      Kimi L says:

      When I mean his family of 8, his parents and 6 siblings.
      In the Philippines, we always have to take the role of a financial provider for our parents and siblings after graduating college.
      And I really understand my ex-bf’s thinking that we would never have our family till his 5-year old brother graduates from college.
      And I think this breakup is a real blessing and eye opener for me. That I don’t have to stay in this kind of tug-&-war relationship. I love him and I still care for him.
      We won’t be back together as it already ended. I just pray for his salvation and well-being.

  28. Jenny
    Jenny says:

    Thank you for this article and all the comments. I also just ended a 20 month relationship with a man who was willing to learn about Jesus but ultimately could not accept it. I am utterly heartbroken but realise now I want to submit to God’s will and his commands more than ever and this relationship was taking me away from spending intimate time with God. My man was a kind, loving man but ultimately without faith he just couldn’t meet my spiritual needs and our relationship lacked the strong foundation of faith that I valued. Please pray for his salvation, I love him more than I thought was possible.

    In the end, the experience has made me realise I need to and want to and love to be in the presence of God, and a relationship with a non Christian was hindering this. Watch out for the ways the devil will use the desires of the flesh to pull us away from our loving God.

    Reply
  29. Leo
    Leo says:

    I am 33 and hadn’t been in a relationship since I became a believer at 18. I grew weary of waiting for “my husband” and entered into a relationship with an unbeliever which did not work out. It has left me so broken and feeling farther from God and questioning everything I have believed in and what I value most. I feel so much bitterness and pain, and I’m praying for God’s grace to see the wisdom of loving and following Him and trusting my life and singleness to Him. Please pray for me <3

    Reply
  30. Misi
    Misi says:

    I just ended my relationship and I have been looking for other people’s exleriences that would help me stay strong. I love him more than I thought I could ever love any man. And I wake up everyday not believing that this happened. We were engaged and planning our wedding already and I can’t stop thinking about him. The hard part is that I met him as a Christian but he left the faith and it breaks my heart to let him go. I was so sure he was my forever and I can’t seem to want another man. But I know time heals and I hope I heal very soon. I also he’s finding strength to deal with this and I pray he finds Christ again.

    Reply
  31. Elizabeth Botsar
    Elizabeth Botsar says:

    Thank you for sharing your story and erase all my doubts. Im having a similar situation where i always get back with the guy bc he was able to put doubts in my mind and he begged me with a sad face. But now i received the answer i was searching for

    Reply
  32. Rose
    Rose says:

    Hello! I too are experiencing the same. I am still in a relationship with an Agnostic. And we broke up before because I told him that I’ll be abstinent of sex before marriage. I prayed that God will touch his heart and that he will be converted. He came back and said, that we will wait until marriage if the only options are between losing me or not having sex before marriage. And he will attend the church with me because as he said he something might changed in Him while attending the church. So we get back together. I have so much hope that he’ll turn into a believer because I have a churchmate, she’s my mentor and while serving God she met her boyfriend now. But an Atheist then, she said prayed for Him. And now his boyfriend is a believer and is a lifegroup leader and mentor now. They serve God together in our church. They are a great example. That’s why I so much believe that my boyfriend will be too.

    Reply
  33. Raji Barakah
    Raji Barakah says:

    I’m in a similar situation. I was a Muslim,then at a point in my life,I received the salvation of Christ through my sister (a Christian).

    Theirs this Muslim guy I love so much,I never thought I’d love a guy like this cos I Disliked Guys then when I was younger (due to some reasons). He was not my boyfriend,but it seemed it was. He loves me so much and he wanted a relationship. But I said No to him,then he asked why,I didn’t want to tell him before,but he persisted, asking me why I said No when we both know we love each other. Then I told him I’m a Christian, though my parents and siblings doesn’t know about my new Faith. The amazing part was that he didn’t leave me when I told him i’m now a Christian (I thought he was going to). Then he said he doesn’t see anything wrong with a Christian dating a Muslim,then I told him about Paul when he made the statement “Not to be unequally Yoked with an Unbeliever”,but he doesn’t seem to understand. Then he said he wasn’t gonna disturb my faith when we date,then I told him it doesn’t work that way. He wanted us to go into a relationship,and hoped for God to direct us to the right faith,then I told him I can never marry a Muslim. He was hurt with the statement I made. I told him about Jesus and the beautiful thing He has done for us. I told him Jesus is the Way,the Truth and the Life. I told him Jesus is the son of God,then he asked me,”So God has a son right?” I understand the question he was asking,I was a Muslim,and I know Muslims doesn’t believe God has a son, Jesus. But on the other hand,I’m now a Christian,and I don’t really have much understand about the concept their. I asked the Holy Ghost to direct me as I answered his questions,then I explained to him God the Father,the Son,and the Spirit of God. Then he was like,”How is that possible??” He was also trying to prove points to me in the Quran(the Muslim book). I have a Bible app on my phone,so I screenshot the verse that talked about this “2Cor 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Then I sent it to him, hoping he would understand, somehow,but after he read it,he said he doesn’t see Any point in the verse. I knew it was pointless,We spent months arguing on this same issue. He said what can he do to make this work,then I said “I don’t know,cos no matter how much I love you,I can’t disobey God ,this didn’t work now,but might in the future,when you finally become a believer”. He then said to me,”I can never be a Christian”. I couldn’t even count the number of times I cried over this. I really wish he could see what I see,and have the Spirit of God in him.

    After that moment,I realized we don’t talk much like before,more like we communicate like Strangers now. The Holy Spirit has convicted me of my sins, not until now have I realize that I’ve spent my precious time with the Guy I love, rather than the Lord who owns me,and I really apologized to God for that. I’ve made God first in my life,i read my Bible app more often,and I spend more time with God. And now,I feel this inner awakening,the points I couldn’t explain to him then,I tend to understand them better now,I really wish we could talk about his salvation again, hoping God would use me in his life. He came into my life for a reason cos now I know God more,but not yet the way I ought to. I thank the Lord for making me conscious of not feeding my flesh. And I pray for him and my family everyday,for them to believe in the Lord Jesus,and receive salvation.

    But one thing I’m still battling with is,I still love this guy so very much to the extent that I think about him every single day, and this has to stop,cos it’s not lead to anywhere. He has a girl in his life now,and I’ve got to move on, somehow.. I’ve tried distancing my self away from him,but I think it made the feelings worse. Please is there a way I can make this feeling go away,as a Christian? I’ve told God about this, but I’ve not gotten an answer yet.

    Please guys, remember me in your prayers for my family’s salvation,and his salvation also. Thank you

    Reply
  34. Usagi
    Usagi says:

    Similar of what I’ve experienced. It’s been a year now since we broke up but I still miss him and love him. Expecting that he will change, he will become a Christian and will understand my faith. He’s always in my prayer (prayer with a lot of tears) until now, even I knew that he has already a girlfriend, 2 months after we broke up. He’s proud of saying that her new gf was a Christian too and that she doesn’t force him to become a Christian. I did that before, I compromised but it didn’t work for almost 4 years, I felt heaviness in my spirit. I felt that God is saying that I should let go… the wounds are still fresh but I know I must draw near to God and not let my emotion control me…

    Reply
    • Raji Barakah
      Raji Barakah says:

      Wow Usagi..Your experience is almost exactly like mine…Well,one thing I know for sure is that we did the right thing and God is gonna see us through this. As Christians,we already have Peace in Jesus Christ..we just have to keep acknowledging that Truth to see it work in our lives. As you’ve said Usagi,”… the wounds are still fresh but I know I must draw near to God and not let my emotion control me…”,my wounds are still fresh too even right now, but one thing I know is that if we keep trusting God,his words and continue to let him work in our lives,then all this is gonna Worth it at the end…I’m so certain about that…it’s all gonna be fine.

  35. Saccha
    Saccha says:

    Wow..i came online to try to make sense of my own breakup/attempts at breaking up, or to see if there are any success stories in converting(trying to keep hope that maybe this would turn around and we’d be together again). I met my friend on a Christian dating website, we haven’t know each other for any extreme length of time, but we communicate via text and voice everyday, sometimes twice or three times a day. He’s in a foreign country approximately 28 hours away by plane, and we have never met in person ( i know i think its crazy as well ha). The issue was that I had made the error in a past relationship thinking i was going to persuade my ex bf to convert from Atheism to Christianity – He (my atheist ex bf) started off extremely loving and then started to insult Jesus via memes questioning my intelligence for believing in a creator, and would get annoyed when i said i had to read my Bible etc. I said i would never date another non-christian again trying to ‘missionary date’..i know only God can make the changes in his heart, and he has to be willing to let him do so.

    Fast forward to this year, this recent guy i met on the christian dating site admitted after i started asking him questions about his denomination and faith etc, that though he does attend church at times (his uncle’s church) and believes in Jesus, he was not actually ‘fully christian’ but a hindu, and that he loved me, and would convert to marry me, that he would never interfere with my worship of Jesus since he worships him as well, and has read books about him. He asked me if he should hate his family, or if i hated him because he was not born into a christian home, and admitted that because i had expressed my desire for a christian mate he was afraid he would lose me, i told him i did not hate him or anyone else and neither does God, and understand he was only doing what he knew, but that Jesus does not share His Glory or position with any other god and that while i understand his view i also had the right to choose a partner with shared beliefs/values. I was angry, hurt, annoyed etc. of course because had i know up front his beliefs i would not have allowed him in my heart knowing the past hurts with my atheist ex bf. But i could not stop speaking to him, and i would end things but he would always start back speaking to me, i do love him, and feel like he is my other half…so this (ending things) has been hard to maintain..he is such a sweet person.

    I eventually left the site, but have not blocked him on other communication avenues as yet, but have explained that we have to stop planning to meet up, marry etc, and also stop communicating affectionately (he writes poems and songs for me), he does not understand the need to end things. I told him that if we had an argument as a married couple i needed to trust that my partner would be led by the Living God, but he believes religion is something we do, while i think it directs and underlines my entire being, and is who we are. I’m praying that he and his family are saved, and believing probably we met for a reason – even if to just expose him to the Truth (He lives in a predominantly Hindu country which has laws preventing christians preaching to non-christians)..i’m sad because i don’t want him to convert for any other reason than he believes and loves Jesus – i would want his conversion to be authentic and not just in name. Throughout my sadness i know what must be done, and stuck to, God will work out the rest if i am obedient.

    Thank you soooo much for this article, it confirmed that what i did and continue to do was right, and i pray that all of us remain strong and fight for our faith in Christ, seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Blessings.

    Reply

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