Man looking at himself in a bathroom mirror

After Three Suicide Attempts, God Gave Me Another Chance at Life

Written by Josh Goh, Singapore

 

Some weeks ago, I wrote to this Christian publication to cancel my subscription. I had intended to end my life, and I was worried that their continued postages to my house would upset my mother, as she might blame Christianity for what would’ve been a selfish act on my part.

For the last two years, I’ve been facing a grave situation that made my future really bleak. After receiving news two months ago that the situation was about to become even worse, I decided that I’ve had enough. I knew that I was being selfish, for which I apologised repeatedly to the Lord, but I was just done with life. All the pain and disappointment I’d experienced, not to mention the terrible future that awaited me, were just too much to bear.

To prepare for what I was about to do, I wrote letters to my mother and to my friends, settled all my credit card bills, moved my bank funds, and sold all my crypto. Even though I live with my mother, I’d always been distant from her and we didn’t interact much. It also happened that at the time I was planning to end my life, I was isolating in my room as I had caught Covid.

I then proceeded to try and end my life three nights in a row. I tried different methods using things that could be found at home, but somehow, all my attempts did not work. The morning after my second attempt, I woke up feeling weak, but I was still able to stand up. Although I felt some of the effects in my body, nothing sent me over the edge.

Despite two failed attempts, I was still convinced that it was better to end my life and that I should try again. I only conceded after my third attempt failed. I finally told God, You win. The morning after the third attempt, it began to sink in what I had tried to do, although I still didn’t feel very sorry about it.

As I was still very worried about my future, I found myself walking into the nearest church to seek a place to pray. It wasn’t a church that shared the same theology I was taught, but the people there were kind enough to pray with me and I felt so much better.

After that, things started to make more sense, and I realised that God had protected me by allowing all my attempts to fail. I also remembered that while I was down with Covid, a Christian relative I barely spoke to messaged me out of the blue to share this verse—“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5)—and to say that she was praying for me.

Recognising His protection has finally made me dare to say that I’m worthy of His love, and to break free from the lie that has plagued me for most of my life—that I would never be good enough to deserve eternal life. I had always felt that if I wanted something from God, I had to earn it, and I couldn’t imagine I’d able to do enough to be worthy of eternal life. But God is the one who makes me worthy, and I can receive what He is offering me despite not being good enough for it.

I am still in the midst of the storm; the problem that drove me to try and end my life is still there. But through this ordeal, I’ve come to see how God is indeed powerful and above all things. He put a stop to what I had tried to do because He wanted me to know that life and hope are in Him.

I have shared my story to my vicar, the youth pastor from my church, a few friends, a couple of relatives, two of my former pupils, and an old schoolmate who is also a pastor. Initially, I had insisted on walking alone in the path of a Christian because I didn’t want to trouble people or burden others with my troubles, but I’ve since become part of a Bible study fellowship.

I’ve learned to cope with my ongoing struggle by reading the Bible, praying every moment, whispering prayers for others, sharing my testimony with those who need it, and attending church services where I can learn more about God. In my daily living, I’ve learned to constantly rely on God for everything, big or small, and I’ve been able to sleep peacefully after praying to our Heavenly Father.

Am I still worried about my future? Yes. But instead of worrying 15 hours a day, I’ve been able to reduce my worrying to just 15 minutes a day. Whenever I feel tempted to worry about my future, I get on my knees, asking God to help me cope with my weakness. I ask the Holy Spirit for peace and for Him to fully take over. Prayers like, “teach me to love You more and more, teach me how to share the Word with strangers and blessing me with the bravery to do so” have often been answered, even on the same day I pray them.

Having seen the miracles He’s given to me, there’s no worry that could be bigger than that. No matter the outcome, I can be brave, because now I have a testimony that’ll shape the rest of my life and give me all the reason to continue helping others, which has always been the thing I enjoy the most. I pray daily for Lord Jesus to use me in any way He needs. I’ve shared my testimony with strangers who cross my path, and with some churches. I wait for God to guide and point me in the right direction, and I heed.

Today, I no longer have thoughts of suicide. I remember that my being alive now is proof that Jesus is real, our Heavenly Father is real and almighty, and He protected a wretch like me. Though I am so unworthy of His love, His grace is enough.

 

Editor’s note: If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, please:

  • Call your local suicide prevention hotline;
  • Speak to a trusted adult, such as a pastor, teacher, or school counsellor; or
  • Go to the nearest hospital A&E, where you can keep yourself safe if your suicidal thoughts are overwhelming you.
3 replies
  1. Pris
    Pris says:

    Your life is precious. Thank God that He saved you from your suicide attempts and I’m glad that you no longer harbour suicidal thoughts. Salvation takes on an enhanced meaning now 🙂

    Reply
  2. Pris
    Pris says:

    Your life is precious. Glad that your suicide attempts failed and that you no longer harbour suicidal thoughts 🙂 Remember that you are a masterpiece!

    Reply

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