By Angeline Sutanto, Australia
Last year was a tough one for me. I thought I could end up with someone whom I considered my best friend and my safe place, but it did not happen as I’d hoped. I was too blinded by my own feelings and judgment to realise that he was not the right person from the start.
The most hurtful thing was, he chose to cut me off from his life without closure. After everything we’d been through together, I never expected that he would just leave.
I was filled with mixed emotions: anger, resentment, pain, hurt, and endless disappointments. On top of that, I had many sleepless nights where I got caught up in my fears, especially of not being able to find that someone in my life. During this grieving period, I felt lost, hurt, and too broken to even see what God sees in me.
At first, it hurt me to see how it was so easy for him to just move on with his life. But after five months, it finally sank in, and I saw that it was not worth holding onto the past, especially as it made me afraid to hope and to open my heart to a new relationship.
I longed for a new hope and new heart. A new heart that is more guarded with God’s grace and would be open to meeting new people. A new hope in God, and if it is His will, to bring me into a relationship with the right person.
What helped me move past resentment and into forgiveness was God’s encouragement. I still remember this message that I got from a sermon that said: “Congratulations to all of you who have not given up on practicing the love of Christ, although the other person is not deserving of your kindness.”
When I heard that sermon, I cried, because I knew how painful it was to keep pursuing kindness even though the other person did not deserve it. And I did that because I looked up to God and not to please other person.
I got a similar message when I spoke to my therapist, who reminded me, “for you to heal, you need to receive a new love. It does not always happen to be from someone new, but it can be a love for yourself.”
I know that during the lowest points in my life, my closest friends and family were always by my side. Although not everyone could relate to what I was going through, these were the people God had provided to be part of my life, and they encouraged me to forgive and let go.
After I made the decision to release forgiveness, I could feel the hurt being lifted off my heart as it began to receive God’s healing. Once I released that forgiveness, it became clearer to me why God did not give me that person.
All the signs had been there from the start, but I was in denial. He was rarely there for me when I needed someone to talk to, was not always appreciative of my support, and gave false promises. Going through that healing journey made me realise that I need a man who deserves my heart. A man who is not willing to give up on me even as he sees right through me.
I don’t know when or how I’ll meet my future spouse, but I have entrusted my heart’s desire to God, knowing I can trust Him to lead me down the right path (Psalm 5:8).
God knows what we need, and He sees even the deepest desires that nobody else knows. These past few weeks, whenever I look back to what I experienced, the two verses that really encourage me are Psalm 56:8 and Matthew 10:30-31. I find comfort knowing that God sees every tear I shed, and He always gives irreplaceable peace whenever I run back to Him.
In hindsight, I can see that through this hurtful experience, God wants to bring my faith to a new level and to help me understand better how He sees me. This has helped me see myself in a different light and love myself better, as well as recognise the important characteristics of a compatible life partner.
I see myself transitioning from someone who was afraid to open up her heart to a person who has been given a new heart by God. He is teaching me to let go the fear of my past and to trust in His beautiful process of sanctifying me.
“Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8). This verse gives me the confidence to always put my trust in Him.