Why Marriage isn’t the only way to experience True Love
Written By Adriel Yeo, Singapore
When I was in my teenage years, one of the signs of our coming of age was being able to buy liquor, and drink in bars or pubs. But as time went by and the guys completed their time in National Service and the girls entered their final year of university, drinking lost its novelty.
We had eased into a new phase of growing up and a new sign had emerged as a significant mark of adulthood. I first noticed this change on my Facebook news feed. Yes, I’m talking about Relationship Status.
I recall quite vividly one Valentine’s Day about two years ago, when at least four of my friends got engaged. Within a year, I found myself attending weddings. While I knew that this day was going to come, I just didn’t realize it was going to be this soon.
As I celebrated the matrimony of my friends, however, I realized there was a common thought pattern among many of the Christian youth I spoke to as a youth worker. Many had the perception that it was only through marriage that one could fully experience what Christians call “agape”, or God’s unconditional love. And that if they were somehow unable to find a partner, they would never get to experience this love.
But I disagree.
Let me be clear first: I do believe that Christian marriage ought to have the sacrificial, unconditional love that Christ showed the church (Ephesians 5:25) and for that reason, one can certainly experience and practise the love of Christ within marriage. What I do not believe, however, is that the love of Christ can only be experienced in marriage.
Jesus told His disciples: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). The imperative is straightforward: the Christian community is told to show a love that reflects Christ’s love for his people, the same love that took Him to the cross.
This is both challenging and comforting. It is challenging because it instructs us to show sacrificial, unconditional love to everyone, just as God first extended His love to us even when we didn’t deserve it.
But it is also comforting because it reminds us that the love of Christ can be experienced regardless of whether we are single or married. The instruction was meant not just for spouses, but to one another. In the same vein, 1 John 4:19—“We love because he first loved us”—doesn’t just address married couples, nor does it talk about a love that can be found only in marriage. Rather, it is addressed to anyone who professes belief in God.
This understanding of what love is and where it is found can help us be confident in our identity. Imagine if one can experience unconditional love only as a married person. Wouldn’t that suggest that singles are less important in the sight of God than married individuals? A person could certainly experience God’s love within marriage in the form of the love between husband and wife that ought to reflect Christ’s love for the church. But it is also true that one can experience God’s love as a single, between fellow believers in the church.
While the sad reality is that many of us fail to show this sort of love among friends and fellow believers, the solution isn’t to find it in marriage or to think that it exists only in marriage. Instead, the solution is to go back to the source of love—God Himself. For it is only in God that we see true and perfect love, manifested in the person of Jesus Christ who loved us and gave Himself for us.
Well, I don’t know. Sure, marriage isn’t the only way to experience God’s love. But there’s certainly something intimate and special and exclusive about it that many of us strongly desire. Something you just can’t satisfy through other sorts of relationships and friendships.
Usually when people say “true love,” they mean a romantic relationship. Dating, marriage, sex, etc. At the end of the day, well, there’s only one way to experience that sort of thing. I mean the Bible uses lots of different Hebrew and Greek words for love. In English, we just have one, confusingly.
It’s understandable that lots of people badly want romantic love, isn’t it? It’s not a “trivial” or “worldly” desire. Marriage existed before the Fall, in a perfect world. God created the world, looked at man being alone…and said it wasn’t good. How interesting! Even when the world was perfect, He said it wasn’t good for humans to be alone.
When you’re unmarried, and you desire marriage, there’s genuinely good things that you’re simply missing out on. Sex, for instance. The Bible tells us that sex is for marriage. If you’re not married, you’re missing out. Yes, I know there’s “more to life” and “more to marriage” than sex, thanks. But still, it can be frustrating. Paul certainly understood that in 1 Corinthians 7. And it’s not just about the sexual act itself. In physical terms, sex is the most intimate way that anyone will ever physically love you. if you miss out on that, it can be pretty painful.
Sometimes, other Christians will try to cheer you up, of course. They’ll assure that you can still enjoy meaningful friendships as a Christian, for instance. This is true. But there’s definitely something special and exclusive about marriage. Yes, your friends love you, but it’s not THAT kind of love. Yes, your family loves you, but it’s not THAT kind of love.
And yes, Jesus loves you….but it’s not THAT kind of love.
Yes, as a single, we can experience love in other ways. But not in all the ways we want to. It’s OK to admit that, and to admit that it’s hard.
Well, usually when people say “true love,” they mean romantic love. Dating, marriage, that sort of thing. I think it’s important in conversations like this to make distinctions between the different types of loves.
There’s lots of different ways you can be loved, certainly. But romantic love can’t really be satisfied or replaced by the other loves. If you passionately desire romantic love. As many normal people do.
I mean, sure, your friends love you…but it’s not THAT kind of love. Sure, your family loves you….but it’s not THAT kind of love. And yes, Jesus loves you…but it’s not THAT kind of love.
It can be a little weird, sometimes. In Hebrew and Greek there’s so many different words for love. But in English we only have one. So when Christian singles are expressing their understandable heartbreak and disappointment with their lack of romantic love, well-meaning Christians can blunder in and reassure them that they actually ARE loved…by these other types of love. Like God’s love, or their families’ love, or their friends’ love. Those things are all good, of course, but they’re not the same thing.
Missing out on romantic love, whether it’s for a period of time or for your entire life, is genuinely painful for many. Yes, we can experience love, and God’s love, in other ways. But it doesn’t really do anything to quench your desires for romantic love, if we’re being honest.
Take sex, for instance. In physical terms, this is the most intimate way that anyone will ever love you. Can God satisfy our desires for this? No. Is that going to be painful? Of course. God can’t, currently, give us a kiss or a hug, even. And one of the most basic ways to connect with someone is through a conversation. Currently, God can’t, or won’t, have literal conversations with us.
There’s lots of different ways we can be loved. Ways that God, apparently, can’t or won’t engage in.
“The love of Christ can be experienced regardless of whether we are single or married.” This is true. But it doesn’t really satisfy all of your desires. It’s OK to admit that. If God was able to satisfy ALL of our desires for ALL the different loves, well, why would any Christians ever bother dating or getting married?
Thanks for sharing! Very helpful!