Of Love and Marriage: Who is “The One”?

I’ve only been married for four years of my 34 years in this world, so I am hardly an expert when it comes to love and marriage. Yet somehow, because I am married, I get asked this question by many single friends: “How did you know Jason, your husband, is ‘the one’?”

So, how did I know?

Let me tell you this: I used to ask the same question. I strongly held the belief that God was preparing one guy for me. I was on a quest to find this guy. But I was also plagued with this question, “How do I know who he is?”

I wrestled with this question for a long time wondering how on earth will I ever know if the guy in front of me was the one I was supposed to marry. What kind of feeling was I supposed to have?  What’s the sign I should look out for?

In trying to figure this out, I came face to face with how flawed my ideas of love and marriage were. I realized: there is no “the one.”

To think that there is one person whom God has appointed to be your spouse makes it so narrow and so difficult to figure out. Who would that be? God never gave specific details in the Bible of what that person would look like. I believe that if you are in tune with God and walking in His path, He will lead you to several possible people who can be your spouse. Yes, that’s right. Several. Not one, but many. Any guy or girl who is a true follower of Jesus can be your husband or wife because you already have Him as the common foundation to build your relationship on. What qualifies him or her to be your spouse is his or her real relationship with Jesus. But how that may look like differs from individual to individual. Everything else about that person is frosting on the cake.

Then God wants you to make a choice. You ask God if he or she is “the one” for you, while God is asking you if he or she is the one for you. That’s one of the beauty of being His child: He gave you the freedom to make choices. He is not a dictator who issues commands, and you simply follow. God gave you the capacity to reason and to want. And as you walk with Him closely, you begin to reason along the lines of His will and to desire what He wants. So I dare say: Choose someone. Choose to love and to promise love. Don’t let the weight of finding “the one” overwhelm you into living a life of fear.

I didn’t marry “the one.” But because I chose my husband, he is the one for me. I married the man whom God led to my path, whom I chose to love, and whom I saw I can serve with and grow with in God.

I encourage you to pray for a spouse, to ask God for wisdom as you make a decision. He desires for you—for us—to do that. But our more urgent prayer should be: that we wholly comprehend that marriage is not about the person we marry or about the fulfillment of our happiness (not that God doesn’t want us to be happy). Marriage is, ultimately, about what God wants to do in our lives that we might be a reflection of His glory. Marriage is about God displaying His unrelenting love for us and for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33).

And while waiting on God for “the one” sounds romantic, virtuous and probably even biblical, you really don’t have to wait. “The One” we all truly need and who can thoroughly satisfy our longings is already with us—Jesus. In Him, we are already complete.


Read Kezia’s related article “How I Found Freedom from the Illusion of the ‘Right One’ ” here.


2 replies
  1. godlove
    godlove says:

    Thank you very much Kezia for sharing your experience and biblically-inspired thoughts on this issue. I’m personally challenged in my own way of thinking by your blog. It’s truly an eye-opener for me in many ways, being at that point in life where I’ve been searching for “the one”…
    It’s funny how I’ve precisely been looking for signs to help me identify “the right one” when I meet her. You’ve given me a lot of food for thought.
    Thanks again. GOD Bless you.

    • Kezia Lewis
      Kezia Lewis says:

      Hey godlove! I am happy to hear that someone else is benefiting from what God has taught me over the years about love and marriage. I have made some really bad decisions because of my belief that God has appointed only one person to be my spouse. It took me awhile to realize that was not true.

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