Letter to My Past (Gay) Self

Dear Raphael,

I am you in 10 years’ time. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that you’re deeply loved by God and you’re very precious to Him. You are the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8).

I know you don’t feel this way right now—not when God just told you to stop pursuing a gay relationship. You feel like your only hope at happiness has been crushed. There’s pain in your heart and you’re crying out, “How can something that feels so right be so wrong?”

I get it. It does feel right and natural. Since you started having romantic and sexual desires, it has only ever been for guys. It’s all you’ve ever known, and it feels like a natural part of you. It feels like acting on these desires can lead you to a wonderful relationship that will finally make you happy.

Oh yes, I remember, Raph. How can I forget the first major crush you had in junior college on that guy the minute you laid eyes on him? Your heart would leap whenever he so much as glanced in your direction and you’d long for him to hold your hand one day.

I remember your first boyfriend, whom you met four years later. I know how happy you felt with him.

So you’re wrestling with lots of questions now. You’re asking, “How can all of this be wrong? Why would God forbid me from pursuing happiness? How can God be so cruel? What kind of God would tell me to deny something that’s so natural to me?”

You will find this hard to believe right now, but I want to tell you that it’s precisely because God loves you that He’s calling you out of homosexuality. Far from being cruel, your Father is acting out of His love, grace, and mercy for you. He cannot bear to see you wrecked by a life of sin and brokenness.

Please hear me out. I finally saw the truth of what God was doing after 10 years, and I want to share with you what I’ve learned—what you will eventually come to see for yourself.

Being gay is not who you are. When you became a Christian, you became a child of God. That’s the deepest truth of your identity, and that’s how your Father always sees you. He calls you “son”. Yes, you experience attraction towards guys, but that’s what you have, and not who you are: you have gay desires, but you are not gay. You are—first, foremost, and forever—God’s beloved son.

I know this attraction feels natural to you. They still do to me. But God showed me—as He will show you—that these desires aren’t as natural as they feel.

Remember how you always wanted an elder brother to show you the ropes of life when you were growing up? In upper primary, you looked up to this older boy in your class as a kind of big brother and wanted his attention. Do you also remember how you hated your secondary school years because of how much you wanted to fit in with the guys in your class, but couldn’t? You didn’t think these two things were connected, did you? Well, God showed me that they both stemmed from a longing to be taught by a man on how to be a man.

It wasn’t a coincidence that just when you were struggling intensely with not belonging with the other boys, you started to have crushes on some of them. Your desire to be like these boys, during the sexual awakening of puberty, turned into a desire for them.

In recent years, God helped me to understand that what I really craved was male identity and intimacy, which I should have received from Dad when I was growing up. What you long for, deep down, is Dad’s attention, affirmation, and affection. I know he wasn’t perfect, but he was the best father he could be. (We’ll talk about working on a better relationship with Dad in another letter.)

And because your gay desires aren’t a natural part of you, pursuing a gay relationship won’t actually bring you true happiness. In fact, it would bring you further away from your real needs. What you actually need is learning how to develop a secure masculine identity and to receive male intimacy in healthy—non-romantic and non-sexual—ways.

This may all sound rather abstract and foreign to you at the moment. Maybe I can put it another way. You know how you’ve been looking for that perfect relationship with a guy, but never seemed to find it? How you’d think a guy you’d met was the one, but when you got to know him better, one thing or another would make you feel he wasn’t the right guy? How your heart was broken over and over when your hopes were dashed again and again? It all seemed so elusive, didn’t it? Have you ever thought that maybe the reason no guy ever seemed to be the right one was that a guy is not actually what you need?

In fact, hasn’t that search thrown you into frustration and despair many times? In your moments of intense loneliness and longing for intimacy, you’ve often turned to alcohol to numb the pain, and to one-night stands. You knew they gave you little more than short-lived comfort and a shadow of what intimacy was, but you desperately wanted whatever scraps you could get. Then the guilt and the shame would come, and you’d plead with God for His forgiveness and promise Him you wouldn’t do it again. But it wouldn’t be long before you fell into it once more. I understand the pain you felt going through that cycle, and how deeply regretful you were each time. I know you’re so sick and tired of going down that spiral again and again.

How about the many nights when you’d cry yourself to sleep? I remember that one night when you cried so badly because you were struggling so much with loneliness. You just couldn’t see how you could be happy. Do you remember what God said to you that night? He said, “Trust Me.” I know that for years after that, you didn’t think He could be trusted to bring you the happiness you want. I’m here to tell you that God is faithful. He came through on His promise—just not in the way you think. He who knows better will give you far better.

God will show you that there are many other Christians who have gay desires, but who choose to obey Him by not acting on these feelings. There is a better way to live. He will also bring into your life Christians who can walk with you in this journey. I assure you that, even though there will sometimes still be struggles, there is much joy and peace in living a life being obedient to God and His life-giving ways.

He wants to bring healing to all those broken places in your heart that ache for love and intimacy. Getting into a gay relationship will not make you feel complete; it will only deepen the wounds you have. Trust me, I’ve been there. So I recognize now that God is merciful and gracious when He calls you to stop acting on your gay desires—because when you do, you’re only hurting yourself. How can a good Father do nothing and let His child keep throwing himself into what will bring him more pain?

Instead, God wants to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds (Psalm 147:3). But in order for Him to do that, you have to stop injuring yourself and stay still long enough for Him to bandage you up. Be still, and know that He is the God who forgives and heals you (Psalm 46:10, Psalm 103:3).

Yes, I’m still attracted to guys, but I’ve decided not to act on my same-sex desires anymore. I don’t have to always give in to them helplessly. But you know what? I am much happier and at peace now than I was back then, when I was looking for a gay relationship. You do not understand this yet, but believe it. Or at least, believe me; I’ve gone through this long enough to know. God is very trustworthy, Raph. Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When you acknowledge Him in all your ways, He will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5–6).

Hold on to God, because He holds on to you. In the coming days, you’re going to feel like Jacob as he was wrestling with the angel of God (Genesis 32:22–32). Don’t let go of the Lord. Don’t let go even when you feel overwhelmed by the struggle, not even when you feel so weak that you want to give it all up. The wrestling will be worthwhile. As God did with Jacob, He will also bless you through this struggle.

As you hold on to God, you will get to know Him up close and personal. You will come to know that God isn’t uncaring and unreasonable, but He loves you so fiercely that He wants to pursue you relentlessly. He cares for your well-being and wants to give you His best. He’s a loving Father who is willing to let you, His precious child, hate Him for a season when you didn’t understand His ways, so as to save you from more pain and anguish.

So don’t misunderstand God’s heart. He isn’t cruel at all. Through His divine intervention in your life, He is actually showing you His love, grace and mercy by calling you out of brokenness into wholeness, out of darkness into His wonderful light (1 Peter 2:9).

Will you trust the Lord? Will you hold on to Him? Will you let your Father bless you?


God’s faithfully,

Your Future Self

21 replies
  1. Chee Seng
    Chee Seng says:

    God bless you Raphael! Indeed God is faithful and true.

    Mark 10:29-30
    “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.”

    Matthew 6:32-33
    For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

    What you struggle with – love, intimacy, acceptance – God has an abundance in store for you, which you will inherit in due time as co-heir with Jesus

  2. Charles Jordan
    Charles Jordan says:

    Could someone put me in touch with the author? This article really spoke to me and I would like to learn more about the author’s story. As well as any advice he may have. Thank you.

  3. Lim
    Lim says:

    I thought I was the only one who’s going through such difficult identity crisis alone. And I did not get in touch of my homosexuality life ever since the day I know. I’ve been praying for so much from the lust and attraction towards the same sex but He is ever willing to bring me out of it every time I’ve asked.

    Thank you so much, Raphael. This article spoke to me in so many ways I thought I was the only one on this journey. This means, I’m on the right track by not even trying what the real gay lifestyle is all about. It has been 20 years, God is always my refuge. Which leads me to your latest article in Masturbation.


    • YMI
      YMI says:

      Lim, thanks so much for sharing this! We’re so glad you’ve been encouraged by Raph’s piece.

  4. Adam
    Adam says:

    Hi there! I really did enjoy this article a lot!
    By any chance would it be possible to connect with the author? It’s because I’m almost 20 and I’m going through a difficult phase in life struggling with homosexual thoughts…. and I need support and guidance from someone who has gone through what I’m going through at the moment. I’m almost about to start dating a guy but I’m getting negative feelings about it from inside me and it’s really troubling me. I don’t feel right, trying to date another guy. I really don’t want to be gay and I’ve always wished for a heterosexual life. I hope that the author may be able to help me to sort myself out here…

    • Raphael
      Raphael says:

      Hi Adam, I just re-sent my email to you. You might want to check your spam folder, just in case? (:

    • Adam
      Adam says:

      If it’s not working out, I guess I can send you a Hello mail first on your email so that we can connect thereon. I’ll need your email if we go ahead with this.
      PS- So sorry for the trouble! But I really need some guidance here

    • Raphael
      Raphael says:

      Hi Adam, I’ve sent an email to the email address you just provided; you should get it now. (:

  5. Pris
    Pris says:

    Hi, can someone put me in touch with the author.. I really need someone to talk to about this, I don’t know where to go

  6. Mr Wong
    Mr Wong says:

    God bless you.
    You wrote my story, totally. I cried from start to finish.
    Thank you so much writer!
    Thank You so much Jesus.
    I need your help, healing, everything in my life.

  7. Kane
    Kane says:

    My whole life I’ve been struggling with homosexuality but God already paved a way for me to become a real man and rescued me from this thoughts and desires of homosexuality before I read this article. I’m so blessed and joyful to know a person like you Raph was called by God to be a real man by helping you in these struggle and I will continue to hope that He will be with you, guide you and give you the woman that He has planned for you to love in the rest of your days.

  8. AJR
    AJR says:

    You don’t have to agree with me, and I understand that this article was written half a decade ago, but my heart breaks, and I feel the need to say something. We both agree that God loves all His children unconditionally, yes? It is scattered throughout the Bible. Those who truly love us only want the best for us. From your article, it’s clear you were having difficult feelings between your happiness and your relationship with God. I understand those are conflicting feelings, but I ask this: Why would God not want you to feel happy and loved? Why wouldn’t God love you exactly as He made you? His love should not be conditional.


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  1. […] Oleh Raphael Zhang, Singapura Artikel asli dalam bahasa Inggris: A Letter To My Past (Gay) Self […]

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