Why I’m Not Pursuing Gay Relationships Anymore

It was past midnight. I was with the guy I had liked for more than a year. We had just left a gay bar and, for some reason, started to talk about Christianity and homosexuality.

We were both Christians, but he and I held different views on this matter. He believed that it was not compatible with Christianity to act on gay desires, while I was convinced that God would bless same-sex relationships between Christians.

This wasn’t the first time we had talked about this. Every time we broached this topic, we’d disagree sharply with each other. I’d argue that since being gay wasn’t a choice, God surely would not forbid us from acting on what was natural to us. He’d contend that the Bible was very clear that homosexual behavior was sinful and not part of God’s will.

In the thick of our disagreement that night, God planted this thought in my head: “Your belief that Christianity is compatible with homosexuality is based on the borrowed arguments of others who hold such convictions. Why don’t you look into this matter for yourself and come to your own conclusions? Besides, if this is true, what do you have to lose?”

Until that moment, I’d been unreservedly gay-affirming. I was 13 when I realized I experienced gay desires. When I was 17, I went onto the Internet to find out what Christianity had to say about homosexuality. I came across and accepted many arguments that interpreted Scripture in a way that condoned the pursuit of gay desires in a loving relationship. So when I started to look for romantic love, I did just that—I sought a loving, committed, and monogamous gay relationship.

But when God prompted me to pursue the truth on homosexuality, I decided that I would conduct an intellectually honest inquiry. So, from 2008 onwards, I began to look at arguments on why homosexuality wasn’t aligned with God’s will, even though I didn’t agree with them at that point. I also figured that I ought not to get into a gay relationship as well, since that would compromise the integrity of my quest.

Over the next seven years, even as I examined arguments in favor of the traditional reading of Scripture on homosexuality, I remained largely gay-affirming and was actively looking for a gay relationship. In spite of that, God led me on a journey in which He showed me His heart on the matter and the beauty of His design for my sexuality.

 

Discovering Loopholes

As I re-examined the arguments that said Scripture permitted loving gay relationships, I found that they weren’t as convincing as I had initially thought when I first came across them. I discovered many loopholes in those claims. Besides being built on presuppositions that remained to be tested, there were leaps of logic that begged further questions, and the isolation of biblical verses from their proper context.

The more I read, the more I realized these arguments were not watertight and the more I started to ask questions such as: If homosexuality is so good, why did God forbid homosexual behavior so consistently all throughout the Bible, in the Old and New Testaments? Why did He not clearly hold up committed gay relationships as something to be aspired toward, just as He did with committed heterosexual marriages? If gay relationships are part of God’s will, why couldn’t He have made gay people with sexual parts that complemented each other? What am I to do if it’s indeed wrong to act on my gay desires, even if it’s out of love? How else would I find love?

At the heart of my grappling, I had to address core questions of surrender and trust: Am I just holding on tightly to my own views out of fear or pride? Am I really open to seeking out and believing what God has to say about homosexuality? If His will is indeed different from mine, am I willing to trust Him to provide for me in His ways?

 

The Beauty of God’s Design for Marriage

As I began to move away from gay-affirming theology, God used numerous occasions to solidify the conviction in my heart that homosexuality was not aligned to His will. One of these decisive moments was when He opened my eyes to the beautiful design of heterosexual marriage.

By this point, God had already led me to understand how the key differences between men and women led to a harmonious complementarity between the two sexes. So when He showed me that human marriage between a man and a woman was a powerful, compelling picture of the divine, complementary marriage between Jesus and the Church, it made sense to me.

I learned that marriage is meant to be a beautiful, lasting, and holy covenant in which the husband lays down his life for his wife—just as Christ sacrificially laid Himself down for the Church, His Bride—and the wife submits to her husband’s loving headship—just as the Church is called to pour herself out in willing submission to Christ, her Bridegroom and Head (Ephesians 5:22-33).

I saw that the Word of God consistently referred to Jesus as the Bridegroom (male) (Mark 2:19-20, John 3:29) and the Church as His Bride (female) (Matthew 25:1-13, Revelation 21:2; 9-10), and that the consummation of history was described as the Wedding Feast of the Lamb of God (Revelation 19:9). This sealed the conviction in my heart that God has created us male and female for very good reasons (Genesis 5:2). One of them is that He intends for marriage to be a union between a man and a woman so that the marital covenant can be lived out as a profound sacrament that embodies and expresses to the world the way Jesus loves the Church and the way the Church loves Jesus.

I remember having tears in my eyes when I learned this truth that day. Firstly, I was very moved by the beauty of God’s design for marriage and how it displayed the glory of Jesus’ covenantal love with His Church. Secondly, I knew that this truth meant that acting on my gay desires did not glorify God and it demanded a reorientation of my life.  

 

Understanding the Underlying Issues

That was how God convinced me on the theological and intellectual fronts. What He did next was to address my emotional concerns.

Throughout my gay-affirming years, I had firmly believed that being gay was a natural part of who I was and that I was born gay. Then God helped me to become aware of the issues that likely led to me having same-sex attraction.

The Lord showed me that all my life, I’d longed for my father to give me more attention, affirmation, and affection. Though my father did the best he could and I’m thankful for him, he could only give me the kind of love he had received from his own father. There were also other reasons why I didn’t perceive and receive his love very well when I was growing up.

In primary school, I constantly wished that someone would show me the ropes and how to be a guy. And throughout my secondary school years, I struggled with not fitting in with the rest of the boys in my class. I neither felt secure in my identity as a boy nor did I feel like I belonged with the guys.

I’m now aware that it was not a coincidence that it was also in secondary school that I started to have crushes on my male classmates. My longing for the attention and affection of my father, coupled with my desire to have for myself the masculine traits of other guys, turned into a romantic longing to have the attention and affection of desirable guys. It became what I began to experience as same-sex attraction.

When God surfaced these underlying issues, He led me to understand that my same-sex desires was not a natural, innate part of who I was. Rather, it was a symptom of deeper issues I needed to address.

I realized then that the way forward was not to keep looking for a gay relationship to try to meet these needs, but rather, to meet these needs in healthy ways—in the ways that they should be met. I also needed to seek healing for these wounds, so that God could build up in me what had been lacking for years.

As I came across the life stories of others with same-sex desires, the issues they faced were similar to the ones I dealt with. And I knew that if I were to act on my gay desires with someone else, I would not only be deepening my own wounds, but I’d also have a hand in deepening the wounds of my romantic or sexual partner. It’s like two people feeding each other sand in an attempt to sate their hunger, when their real need is for food that truly nourishes and satisfies. Not only does the sand not fill their hunger, it’d further bring ill health to their bodies, and misdirect and ruin their actual appetites for food.

 

A Life-changing Journey

Needless to say, those seven years of searching and researching were life-changing. Although I started out being gay-affirming and had no interest whatsoever in changing my stand on homosexuality, the Holy Spirit planted and deepened the conviction in my heart over the years about God’s wonderful design for my sexuality.

Though my heart was often unwilling to accept what I had read, I found myself gradually giving intellectual assent to what was written and, eventually, realizing that these words were true because there was a deep witness in my spirit. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit is “the Spirit of truth [who] leads [us] into all truth” (John 16:13).

That night, when God challenged me to look into this matter, He asked me, “If this is true, what do you have to lose?” Well, I lost my right to hold on to what I would prefer to be true and a way of living for myself that would have felt so much easier. But I gained a deeper trust in God, knowing that because He is who He says He is, His loving and righteous ways are much better than mine. And I gained a way of dying to myself that led to God’s truth, healing, and abundant life—to true, lasting happiness (John 12:24-26).

So today, even though I still experience same-sex attraction, I’m no longer pursuing gay relationships because I want to pursue a loving relationship with God, who first pursued and loved me.

16 replies
  1. Emily
    Emily says:

    Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your story. That vulnerability takes a great amount of strength. And I as a reader was blessed by it! Peace to you.

    Reply
  2. Maiko Kimberly
    Maiko Kimberly says:

    There are only few Christian websites that tackles such issues and I am very blessed and happy to have read this on this blog. Truly, GOD is a living GOD that teaches us and leads us towards HIS will. I am blessed by your life! Continue growing in JESUS 🙂

    Reply
  3. Liz
    Liz says:

    I share your joy in your journey towards total freedom. You mentioned that today you still experience same sex attraction. Do know that those feelings are nit your own but are thoughts whispered via waves into your ears by principalities and dark forces that the Bible talks about.

    Go to Hardcore Christianity and learn from Michael Smith how to deal with these demonic forces that are trying to lure your back. Then, you will be able be totally free and free indeed, just as Christ has promised. Not only that, you will find the abundant life that Christ has promised through a deep, true and lasting love in a heterosexual relationship when God brings one of His daughters into your life. Stay the course, learn about spiritual warfare and behold, His power to give life filled with love, joy, peace, provision and purpose! Shalom.

    Reply
  4. Carol
    Carol says:

    Thank you for sharing brother in Christ 🙂 The holy spirit truly does guide us. I had my own things to sort out as well.

    Reply
  5. Kazunori
    Kazunori says:

    Thank you for writing this article. It helped me remember how God is patient in waiting for me to realize His design in me and plans for me. Thank you!

    Reply
  6. Brian
    Brian says:

    Your journey has been much like mine. Good to hear that I am not alone in my struggle. I am 50 year old man who will always have same sex attraction (and no opposite sex attraction). I’ve just learned not to pursue homosexual relationships any longer because not only do they always bring emotional agony and never work, but mostly because God says No. And I’d rather follow Jesus and the Truth than believe the enemy’s lies. I really love Jesus and I totally understand why He died for me which is mostly why I love Him so much! I’m still an imperfect sinner though as sometimes my loneliness gets so intense and painful that I mess up and engage in homosexuality. But I ask forgiveness after I stumble. I know that the Lord knows how painful my entire life has been due to my homosexual attractions. It’s negatively affected everything in my life to the point that I have no life, at least in this world. I often think that I must be the loneliest man on earth. I’ve always been keenly aware that my sexuality has always been my cross to bear. All I want, my biggest desire of all, is for my Savior to come back really soon and fix my brokenness and make me a new man and take me finally out of this relentlessly painful life I endure and into paradise where for once I can actually feel authentic joy and happiness and fulfillment and love, for ever and ever. I can’t wait for that day!

    Reply
    • Cami
      Cami says:

      My heart breaks for the brokenness, there are so many questions I still have regarding this topic. There is no easy way- either stay in a relationship that is not “God honoring” or live alone. All I know is Paul said “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. It’s only through the work of the Holy Spirit that we are able to walk in the light.
      Brian- I encourage you to attend a good church that can walk out truth. There is no shame and condemnation. Being open about your feelings, but desires to serve Jesus, allow others to come walk with you in this journey- it will loosen its power over you as you allow people to come into the vulnerable areas of your life and love you rightly. You deserve Love, and it’s possibe to experience that here on earth. May God bless you.

  7. Petrus
    Petrus says:

    I can see your point and it is sad for me to see you have given up the search for truth.

    In Gen. God gave Adam a partner because he saw Adam was lonely. And in His words. Saw it was good.

    Jesus lived for at least 30 years on this planet and not once did he rebuke or say a peep about loving homos. Why?
    Instead he commanded for us to love each other! YES that included same sex.

    Your argument about Jesus being the groom and Church being the bride is flawed. That was clearly figurative. You do know the church are full of males dont you?

    As a experienced gay man, you should know that there are more dominant males and more submissive males. Same goes for females. And in any relationship it is better for a dom/sub relationship rather than 2 dominats.

    Moses wrote the law against sodomy specifically to outlaw a old pagan tradition at that time also practiced in jewish church.
    What is it?
    A 8 -13 year child is sold into slavery to the priests. During service the young and old males rape the child in audience so that they will not lust after their or other woman.
    They were also called church prostitutes.
    Moses said no to child rape and i believe all gay men say so too.

    Next.
    Sodom and gamorra. It specifically deals with the practice then where it was ok to rape men to humiliate and subvert men.
    In this case the city men wanted to rape the angels.
    Well gays are againt rape.

    Next.
    Paul and Peter talk about sexual immorality and sighted sodomy as an example.
    If you read the other examples and other parts of the Bible you will see the issue here basically againt have affairs or having sex with 3rd parties where those are engaged and married to others.
    Well I agree, gay or not. It is immoral and wrong to have affairs with people who are not single. The bible are full of references about relationships and the importance or maintaining a long lasting and trusting one.
    I could also argue that those views are the personal views of Peter and Paul. But is that the view of God?

    Then there is the argument it is not natural. We all know that is false.
    There are many animals on this planet which have same sex sex or relationships. Chimps, cats,dogs, dolphins, and many more do it.
    And if it was so natural why do humans have to put up with females bleeding for most of the month and basically sexually unavailable?
    Btw it is also against the law of moses to divorse and to have sex with a woman who have her period.
    But oh well that is a different rant.

    And Jesus came to set us free from the law of Moses. That then leaves us with the 2 comments from Paul and Peter.

    For 40 years i have been single.
    For 20 have prayed and asked God to give me a female partner and to take the attraction, love and sexual desires away towards males and let me rather feel like that towards a woman.
    But alas no such luck.
    It is hard to get acceptance from other homophobic Christians and even harder to accept one self.
    I am who i am and it will not change. I have accepted who i am. I might not be normal or proud about it.
    I dont expect others to accept it, but i just ask for people to keep an open and tolerant view.
    The church are pushing same sex people away from God because of the own homophobic feelings.
    Instead of being open and inviting and allowing same sex people to praise and believe in God.

    I am a Christian and see nothing wrong with a loving Gay relationship.

    I once dated a female long distance to please others and thinking that maybe I will over time love her.
    But she just felt like having an aunt or sister. Not a lover or partner.
    I left her because for 6 months I struggled with my feelings and what is right.
    I felt strongly that it is WRONG to marry a female because I am unable to love her completely.
    And I definitely dont want a divorce later.

    Let me ask all Christians.
    Do you think it is right for me to marry a woman and to pretend to love her. But inside I love, adore and sexually desire men.
    Does she not deserve my entire love emotionally, physically and sexually?
    Do we both not deserve better?
    Do our kids not deserve a loving and caring and supportive parents regardless who or what they are?
    Or is it better to divorce later because of unhappiness and living in lies.
    I am sure you will say I should not live in such a lie.
    There are enless quotes in the Bible about lies and deceit, and all are described as wrong.

    Right, so do I have to stay single for all my life. Be eaten up with loneliness and lack of true love.
    Well, God himself said in Genesis it is bad for man to be lonely.
    And the Bible is full of quotes about the goodness of love and relationships.

    So why should I deny myself to be happy in a long lasting loving gay relationship where I can love emotionally, physically and sexually.
    Sould I give up being a Christian?
    No.

    I struggled enough and had enough.
    I prayed long enough and if God wanted me to be straight He would have done something by now.

    If being Gay makes me a sinner.
    Well praise God then.
    Jesus came for me too and my sins are forgiven.
    I have nothing to fear or feel bad about.

    Amen

    Reply
    • Raphael
      Raphael says:

      Hi Petrus,

      Thank you for taking the time to share your views. I can see that in your journey, you’ve arrived at different conclusions than I have. I respect that this is your journey at this point. I appreciate your concern for me to keep seeking the truth on this matter as well. I pray that as we earnestly pursue the truth on homosexuality, we will be open and teachable to what God’s life-giving truths are, so that we may enter into His best plans for us.

      I really appreciate you sharing about what you’d gone through in your desire to honour God. I understand the pain you felt and the depth of struggle you faced. I’m sorry to know that it was such a difficult time for you. I’ve dealt with that intense loneliness and longing for love, too, and I hear you. It’s really tough.

      God showed me that it’s important to have a loving and supportive community in my journey. Otherwise, it’ll be much more difficult to pursue a life of obedience to God in not acting on my same-sex desires. I’ve to learn that love and intimacy doesn’t only exist in romantic or sexual relationships, but it can also be found in the church community, my family, and friends.

      Having said that, I also acknowledge that the church is still learning how to be a more loving and supportive community to people with same-sex attraction. I’ve been encouraged by the growth I’ve witnessed as well as blessed by the love and support I’ve received, but I know more can be done in this area.

      Like you, I used to believe that pursuing a loving gay relationship would be good for me. However, in my journey, God led me to realise that it was, in fact, unhealthy for me to act upon my same-sex desires. He showed me that doing so actually undermines my spiritual, emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.

      I’ve to learn—and I’m still learning every day—to trust God and His good plans for me, even if I don’t always understand them. I believe that He, who created me, knows me better than I know myself, and He knows best how I can flourish.

      I pray that you, too, will come to trust Him wholeheartedly and to know His heart for you, brother. It is my hope that you will experience God’s best for you, and that you will find the true love, happiness, and peace that you seek. He is faithful, and He will come through for you.

      Thanks again for sharing, brother. (:

    • Mamy
      Mamy says:

      God gave Adam a female partner to carry out his command to fill and subdue the Earth.

      So, because Jesus didn’t say anything about homosexuality, it must be ok? Jesus didn’t address spousal abuse, child-molestation, drug abuse, torture. So, it’s ok ? Jesus talked about marriage between a man and a woman in Matthew 19:4-6. We are to love everyone but it has limitations. We can love our neighbors, friends, family, etc. Kindly I say this, homosexuality is not love, it’s a sin.

      Men are supposed to be dominant and women are supposed to submissive in godly ways. After sin, everything became flawed.
      Homosexuality was the reason why God destroyed the two cities, whether it was consensual or forced.

      Animals also practice physical abuse, cannibalism, incest, theft and many other unacceptable things. So, we should accept and condone these sorts of things as ‘normal’ too. We are supposed to be better than animals. We are made in the image of God.

      You can be a Christian and struggle with homosexual temptations. It happens. But you cannot be a gay Christian and be proud of it. Pride is a sin, too.
      The Christian life is a progressive journey of overcoming the “acts of the flesh” (Galatians 5:19-21) and allowing God’s Spirit to produce the “fruit of the Spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23).

      Your relationship with a woman didn’t work because you didn’t want a woman. You gave up easily. God cannot help you if you don’t desire to change. Why did you date her to please others and not God?
      Many people today make decisions based upon feelings instead of trusting the VOICE of God’s Word. We Christians ought not do this. Our decisions and confidence should be rooted in the promises of God’s Word, and not in human emotions.
      A man and a woman’s sexual organs complement each other. One is made for the other. Only through heterosexual activity can reproduction occur.
      Even many forms of artificial fertilization require heterosexual activities, although it’s unbiblical. Anus is for pooping. Anal and oral sex causes health problems.

      I agree that some Christians are not nice with homosexuals. Christians should not hate, we should judge righteously and respect others. You are free to choose whoever you want to date. But God’s laws do not change.
      Just because an emotion is deep or powerful does not justify acting upon it. Like drugs, like adultery, like the abuse of alcohol or the love of money, or the power rush of human ego trips, there are motions which are powerful and addictive and ultimately terribly destructive (christiananswers). Kids need both mom and dad who follow God’s ways.

      Glutton is a sin. So is eating unhealthy. I have diabetes and heart diseases in my family. I used to be fat. I LOVED eating. For a long time, I struggled with my weight. My mom advised to change my eating habits. I didn’t listen. Then one day, my friend died of heart problems. It’s strucked me. Later, I began to research about the dangers of food. I found about pesticides, aspartame, hormonal additives, toxins in water, and many other things that satan added to make us sick. I was shocked. I changed my eating. Cookies, chips, meats taste so good but they’re unhealthy for our bodies that God created. God already created food for us in the garden. He didn’t create ice cream, candies, cakes, frozen food, bottled milk, and etc .. I change my eating habits. It wasn’t easy but like I really wanted to change God was working in me. He helped me. As a result, I lost 30 pounds and I stopped eating unhealthy food that Satan created. Even medicine is satanic. Today my family and I grow our own food. See, I wanted to change. Do you want to change for God?

  8. David
    David says:

    It is good God showed you how to move past your own pain, however, I do not believe your pain should be conflated or assumed to be the same as the pain of others.

    Reply
  9. Trenton Pennington
    Trenton Pennington says:

    The Bible may be inspired of god, but men wrote and translated it. I would recommend examining first with true intellectual honesty whether the Bible is indeed a valid book upon to base your beliefs. I especially recommend this because you should not trust men for your salvation but rather the god of creation who continues to speak through his acts of creation.

    Just remember; god himself wrote the world in which we live. Men wrote the words you used to find your truth. Choose you this day whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve the god of creation, not the god made by man.

    Reply
    • Mamy
      Mamy says:

      Do you really believe the same God who spoke the universe into existence is not capable to preserve His Word for today’s génération. God promised in psalm 12:6-7 to preserve His Word
      for all générations.

      The god of this world is Satan. That’s why he has legalized gay marriage.

      Everybody sins. I am straight and I deserve to go to hell because I broke God’s laws. I don’t try to change God’s mind so I could enjoy sinning. If you say that God accept homosexuality, what about other sexual sins? What about incest or bestiality? Now that gay marriage is promoted, satan is working hard to legalize other sins. You’re free to choose where you want to go after death, but don’t tell me that God is ok with sins.

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  1. […] my same-sex attracted friends. In fact, I know them not just as individuals. I know not just those who have publicly shared about their struggles. I had privately walked with persons – some have found restoration in their identity and […]

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