It wasn’t till earlier this year that I decided I’d really like to have a boyfriend. I had spent the last decade single, out of choice, a result of a few disappointing relationships, and wanting to spend my 20s growing into my own identity. But it was not like I could go shopping for one, showing up at a specialty-store, or having a credit card ready to swipe my purchase.
Trust me, the irony of me wanting to have a boyfriend isn’t lost on me. I’ve spent the last few years writing articles encouraging, no wait, exhorting singles to cherish their single-status, reminding them that their worth is from God, not an arm candy. I also remember telling readers if it was God’s will for me to remain single, then so be it! How smug and self-assured I was!
Alas, I’ve to eat my words. Time’s flown by, and I woke up one day realizing that I don’t want to end up as the crazy cat lady when I hit 50 (which makes no sense, I don’t even like cats). Other factors had played a part too (in case you thought it was just a fleeting fancy), like attending my best friend’s wedding (how happy the couple looked) and many other weddings after. Each has left me thinking about my own future wedding; the venue, the guests, the dress (it’s embarrassing because I’ve never considered myself a girly girl). But more importantly, it’s the desire to share in all sorts of adventures (or misadventures) with a lifelong companion, knowing there’s someone I can fall back on (again, I’m embarrassed by how cliched this sounds).
So, a sense of longing has settled in my heart, the yearning for a boyfriend, who would then be my husband to fill this void. I’ve caught myself believing the lie, if I’ve a boyfriend (turn husband), then life would be perfect.
While my desire for a boyfriend is real, I’m acutely aware that a boyfriend or a husband is not the solution to the empty, yawning gap in my heart. I also know my state of longing will never be satiated. Say, if I do get married, another set of longing (or problems) will make their way in. I’ll always be longing for the next thing, whatever it might be.
I’m also very conscious of how much God has provided for me right now—I’ve a life filled with genuine friendships, a fulfilling job, a family, and other earthly creature comforts. To bemoan my lack of a boyfriend would be like slapping my Provider in His face.
So for now, I’ll continue to be like Paul, to be content “in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:12), while trusting God with my life, knowing He has my best interest at heart.
Artwork by YMI X Estelle Queck (@morethanworks)