When Marriage Isn’t Quite What You Hoped For

I grew up with Ashley (not her real name) and we attended the same schools. We talked a lot about relationships when we were younger and the kind of married life we hoped for. Eventually Ashley started dating a guy who would surprise her with flowers and little treats. However, he could also be quite demanding and unreasonable at times, and Ashley wasn’t sure about continuing the relationship.

Eventually, his persistence won Ashley over and they got married. At the time I wished them a happy relationship, but was a little worried about how long their marriage would last. Yet while her marriage has never been quite what we dreamed about as young girls, I have learned so much from her.

Though Ashley hoped that marriage would lead to greater mutual understanding, she found herself quarrelling with her husband often. He seemed to expect to know her whereabouts all the time and wanted her to be there for him whenever he needed company. He even expected her to pay all the bills because she earned a higher salary. Whenever she protested, he asked her, “Don’t you love me?”

As a friend, I watched Ashley walk through those difficult days. I saw her find peace as she became active in church and fell back on the Bible. In the midst of her marriage, Ashley clearly took comfort in a God who healed the brokenhearted and abhorred evil.

Though well-meaning friends advised Ashley to divorce her husband, Ashley chose instead to keep the promises she made at the wedding. While her marriage was not a bed of roses, it did not endanger Ashley or her son in any way. So instead of walking away, she decided to trust that God’s grace is sufficient in even her weakest moments, and that God’s strength is perfect. Such trust is amazing to me.

When I talk to Ashley about her marriage, she makes it a point to avoid comparison with other marriages, and instead focuses on God as her protector and provider. She reminds me that even the best spouse cannot guarantee protection or provision. Ultimately, our help comes from God alone, and He is able to save us from falling into despair or self-pity. We are not alone in the marriage—we are not left to shoulder our burdens on our own—the Lord Himself will help us as we honor our marriage vows.

The Lord has been faithful to Ashley as she chooses faithfulness and obedience to His call in the marriage. Although her marriage is hard, she manifests God’s strength and shows a confidence in Him that cannot be shaken. She once said that she finds true love in God as she surrenders her loveless marriage to Him.

While some of our friends say that her marriage is “blind suffering,” I see how this marriage has brought her closer to her true love. I see her joy in the Lord deepened each day. As she goes through this marriage of long suffering, I can still see the smiles on her face as she anchors her hopes in her true love. She speaks of the joy of being in God’s presence, and willingly shares the hope of the gospel with anyone she meets.

I am reminded by Ashley that all our weaknesses—whether in marriage or other areas of life—are actually opportunities for us to surrender and grow in the Lord. Whatever difficulties we might face, they can point us to experience the deeper joy and hope found only in the sovereignty of our God, beyond anything the world can offer.

My own marriage is not exactly a bed of roses either. My husband and I sometimes have different views and ways of doing things. I have often quarreled with my husband when things were not going my way. But God reminded me through James 4:1 that quarrels are often due to conflicting desires of my own heart—on the one hand, I want to honor God in my marriage; but on the other hand, I tend to be impatient and easily frustrated and angered. But as I marvel at God’s faithfulness to Ashley, I am humbled to ask God to change my temper. I am reminded to place God as the first priority in my heart.

Marriage will always be imperfect. It is after all, the union of two imperfect beings. Yet it is continually preparing us for a higher glory. Ashley knows this, and awaits the coming of the Bridegroom who is her true love. As I walk with her, I am also encouraged to put my trust in God, who is able to keeps us from stumbling and to present us blameless before His glorious presence (Jude 1:24).