When I Let Fear Rule Me

Written By Agnes Lee, Singapore

Everyone has their own irrational fears. Sometimes, they affect us so much that we are imprisoned by them. For me, it escalated from a common cold.

I woke up one day with a sore throat, which turned into a cough. I eventually went to the doctor’s. His diagnosis? A common cold. I was given two days of medical leave to rest at home.

Just when I thought I was getting better, my cough worsened. In fact, I coughed so much that I felt nauseous. I lost all my appetite and could hardly eat anything—I had to force myself to eat just so that I could take my medicine. I was drowsy the entire day and sometimes feverish. I spent most of my days sleeping, but could not sleep well since coughing often woke me up.

To make matters worse, I was worried about the work waiting to be done in the office. My boss was away and there was no else trained to liaise with our vendor.

I remember the day I decided to return to office to complete some of my work. As I took the train to work, I started to cough. The people around me on the train started distancing themselves from me.

I hated that moment—I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish I could hide from the other commuters. People were shunning me as if I had some strange and serious infectious disease. It was so embarrassing.

How could a common cold cause so much discomfort to me? When would I recover? It had been five days. Surely it wasn’t just a common cold? The doctor must have got the diagnosis wrong!

What if I had lung cancer? What if I was suffering from tuberculosis? I knew someone who had tuberculosis and her recovery period was very agonizing, full of needles, different medications, hospitalization and multiple doctor visits. It all escalated from common cold symptoms too.

I tried to distract myself from the irrational thoughts within me by turning my attention to songs. I came across a song by Casting Crowns titled Oh My Soul. The songwriter Mark Hall sang: “There is a place where fear has to face the God you know,” and hearing that liberated me.

God was telling me not to be afraid. He was using the song to assure me to lay my fears before Him because He knows our fears as much as we do. When we bring our fears before God, He shoulders them for us and frees us.

When I researched about the song, I learned that the songwriter had written the song at his lowest point—on the night that he was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his kidney.

I was inspired by the songwriter’s faith. Indeed, I worship a God who has stayed by my side throughout all seasons and has never left me. Why didn’t I lay my fears down? I was so caught up with my fears that I had forgotten that I could actually give them to God.

In fact, my overthinking felt rather silly since all my fears were probably unfounded. The more I focused on my fears, the more afraid I was. Instead, I told myself to focus on God. Soon, I found peace knowing that I can surrender all my fears to the God that I know.

I said a silent prayer of repentance. I had allowed my preoccupation with my own fears to rob my peace away when I should have entrusted my fears to Him. That night, I worshiped, prayed and slept.

In the middle of the night, I woke up coughing again. But strangely, I started weeping, I felt touched as I felt the presence of God surrounding me when I needed comfort most. At that moment, I sensed a divine peace in my heart. I remembered John 14:27, where Jesus tells his disciples, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” This flooded my mind and I was comforted by God’s Word. The verse reminded me that He gives us His peace even when we are facing trouble. We need not be afraid because He is present with us.

Within minutes, I felt something lifted off my throat and I was miraculously healed. My throat no longer felt as itchy and dry as before, and my cough became more manageable from that instant onwards. The cough was completely gone by the end of the week.

It was God’s way of reminding me that there is a place we can surrender our fears, a place we can feel safe. After all, He is the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep (John 10:11). Hence, with God by my side, I need not be afraid of losing my health and comfort. Even when I’m not in control of what happens to me, God is.

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